What in the name of Gangsta is goin' on here?

One of my favorite nightly shows is Chelsea Lately. She is one of the funniest people on tv! I was not a fan of hers until I read her two trashy books. If you like funny, pick up "My Horizontal Life" and "Are You There Vodka, It's Me, Chelsea". A little naughty but a whole lot o' funny! (Chelsea, that will be $500. Please mail the check to my address on file. Thanks.)

So as I was watching her show one day this week, she had a guest on her show by the name of Fonzworth Bentley. Seriously? Like that's his real name. Apparently, he used to hold the umbrella for Puff Daddy/P.Diddy/Sean Combs. Wow. You're so cool Fonzworth. According to Chelsea, he looks like Bill Cosby. You be the judge:

So "Mr. Bentley" has a reality show on MTV on Tuesday nights called From G's to Gents. I saw a small clip of the show and I immediately thought OMG! That looks soooo stupid.


I'll just go ahead and tell you that I "accidentally" saw this show this morning (my DVR recorded this hot mess of a show instead of my beloved Real World episode) and I may or may not be hooked on it. It's about turning some gangsta's into gentlemen and trend setta's. I've always wanted to learn real-life gangster lingo so I could survive on the streets if my life should takes a turn for the worse. I really only watched the show in the hopes of excelling my small gangster vocabulary so I could know more words than Anniebanannie. But I was immediately afraid of these gangster-like people. With names like Riff Raff, All In, Dirty, Killa, Protege, and A-Felon, you would be scared too! Do you think they will read my blog and come after me??

I was most disturbed by Riff Raff, an unemployed white boy from Texas who has a flippin' grill up in his mouth. He tried to rap...and failed miserably. The only white rapper with mad skillz is Eminem, ok? Here is the colorful Riff Raff:

Yes...his hairz are multi-colored!

And then there's the sad story of Dirty, a barber from Miami. His momma left him in a trash can at 2 months of age and then she died of a drug overdose. He was raised in foster care and spent lots of time in juvenile detention. So it should come as no surprise that he became a full time gangsta. Here's a pic of the barber who may need to do some TLC to his own hairz:

Oh, and he's also an alcoholic who doesn't want to be rehabilitated.

And to put you all out of your misery (if you're even reading this at all) here's the last pic...a group one:

THUG LIFE, YO!

Well, since it's 75 degrees outside, I'm going for a walk/jog for the next 4 hours. I ate pizza this week and I have to weigh in tomorrow! Happy Thursday!

Weekend Wrap-Up

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Before I start with my weekend wrap-up, did you notice my new header???? I have a new BFF over at The Soladay's even though I've never met her IRL! She took the time this weekend to create it for me and now I owe her lots of money or something of equal value like my Lexi or M. But let's not dwell on that....Isn't she just way talented??!! Thank you new BFF! I ♥ it!

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So, my weekend was full of events which never happens! We're usually sitting at home while I stalk bloggers and M plays Madden football with various teenagers around the world and yells (cusses) at the tv when they kick his azz.

Friday night, we went to dinner with friends and then to the bar for some after dinner drinks. We sat down at a table with mutual friends. All I can say is there is nothing more entertaining then sitting with a drunk girl who had been drinking since 4:00. I should write a freakin' book titled Conversations With the Intoxicated!

Saturday, we had some friends drive down from T-town and stay the night with us. The boys went to Lowe's and the girls got pedicures! Our toes are now ready for open-toe shoe weather!

Saturday night, we made dinner reservations for 7:30. At 7:20, this is what happened:

M decided to break open a bottle of cologne in the sink b/c it was broken and would no longer squirt. All he was doing was making a lot of noise and asking him several times to stop didn't work out so well for me. He didn't stop until he broke his sink in the bathroom. I was not a happy girl. Needless to say, we were late for our reservations and I may have had steam coming out of my ears. Boys are so stupid.

After dinner, we head on over to our favorite laid-back bar for some drinks. This was my first mistake. Here's a "before beverlies" picture:

Rhonda, who loves Tequila, had never heard of Patron. WHAT? Patron is the KING of Tequila's and I only thought everyone knew that. Mistake number 2 took place when I ordered us a shot. Our favorite bartender, Chris, gave us the equivalent of 2 shots a piece instead of one. Yet another sad mistake. I believe in the picture below that I was either asking for her hand in marriage OR licking her hand. Who really knows.

After the beer and the Patron came the Mimosas. Yes I'm aware it's not Sunday Brunch. Who mixes Champagne with beer and liquor? That would be me. Mistake number 4.

By the end of the night, this was the final product:

Let's just say that I am no longer friends with Mr. Patron. I'm way too old for that shiz.

On Sunday morning, M had a job to complete. He started this project at 7:30am. Does he not realize that I am in serious pain right now? The last thing I needed was noise and light shining on my ever-growing headache. Here is a pic of him "working". Besides the mess on the counter (which came from underneath the sink) do you notice anything STRANGE about this picture considering it's 8:00am?? Look closely. Again I will say boys are stupid.

Here is Mark posing ultra-seriously with the sink. See the orange ball? Yes..that's the cologne that broke the sink. The cologne is still unbroken but is now in the trash never to be played with again.

There wasn't much activity coming from the Compulsive household yesterday. It was pretty mellow...as in never changing out of my pj's and watching tv in bed all day. DON'T YOU PEOPLE JUDGE ME! I learned a lesson, ok?

P.S. I am proud to announce that I am officially back in da gym! Mexico will be here soon and I need this cottage cheese stuff to disappear. Oh...and I saw Lance. I cussed him out (in my head).

Happy Monday!!

Breast Augmentation? Rhinoplasty? Liposuction?

Surgery.

I've never had it. I don't like saying the word. I don't want to even THINK about it. But I have scheduled an appointment for my very first surgery and I'm scared to death!


Would I like to enhance "the girls" with some augmentation? Nah. I'm okay with what I have. Maybe after some kiddos, I may consider a lift. From what I hear, I will need it fo sho!


Rhinoplasty? Nope. I've seen how they perform this disgusting surgery and it makes me want to vomit. I'm okay with a larger beak than most. I'm convinced that I have a great smeller due to its ginormous size! (This is both good and bad..just so you know.)


How about a little Liposuction? If I wasn't such a cry baby (and if I hadn't seen this procedure done before) I would be ALL OVER IT! I've got numerous cottage cheese areas that are in need of some minor repair work but it's called WORKING OUT. I should try to do that more often.


Nope, the surgery I have to endure, Laparoscopy surgery, is a simple outpatient procedure that my doctor will perform in a hospital to check out my girly parts for abnormalities. I HATE HOSPITALS!! Just for the record, it doesn't give me piece of mind to know that it's a "simple" surgery. They still have to cut me wide open (okay...so it's a very small cut) on the abdomen in 2 places and I've never been cut open before except for the one time I sliced my thumb open while cutting potatoes at the in-laws. I'm freakin' out here!


So why do I have to have this done? My doctor saw a little something (or nothing) on my ultrasound that was growing outside of my ovaries and she wants to "take a look around". It's not for another 4 weeks and I wish it was happening tomorrow. My anxiety is through the roof and I don't know if I'll make it four weeks. I think I need a beverly. Like...right now..and every night for the next 4 flippin' weeks.


The GREAT news is that this "small" procedure is all mine for the extremely low cost of $5,000 to which my part will be exactly half since I have a $2,500 deductible. Lovely. Thank you insurance company!


To top off this magical day, imagine my surprise, while signing my pre-op forms, that I had to say that it was okay if I die. DIE?? ARE YOU FREAKING SERIOUS??? I DON'T WANT TO DIE!! To which the nurse replies, "You can die getting your teeth cleaned. We just have to put that on there for legal reasons." Well listen here little pregnant nurse lady...I no longer like you and please don't be present for my "simple outpatient surgery", ok?


I'm sure a number of you (including my friends IRL) have done this procedure and it's no big deal. The best news of all is I get to take a prescription pain pill, (AKA my new best friend) called Vicodin for a few days! Awesome!

If you have a prayer list, please add me to it somewhere near the top but for sure not at the bottom, ok? Thanks!

P.S. Due to my high anxiety, I've self declared tomorrow PAMPER IMPULSIVELY DAY! I will be getting my hair did, receiving a 1.5 hour massage and a pedicure. What? Don't you judge me! I deserve this.....just don't tell M. =) I'll let you know how it goes.

Drunk duck? Who spiked the punch?

Well, if you read my previous post, then you knew that I was in search of a punch bowl and rubber duckies for the baby shower yesterday. Here is the pic that I was trying to recreate at said baby shower:

I thought this image was just too cute for words!! Ice cream clouds floating on top, clear blue punch on the bottom, and duckies floating around having the time of their life was the PERFECT idea for this baby shower. This was the image that I was hoping for!

So, I get to the shower a little early so I can make my magnificent punch that will be just too cute for words. When I was finished, it looked absolutely delish! It looked almost as good as that picture above. I left to go grab my camera so I could proudly display my work of art to all my blogger friends and when I returned with camera in hand, this is the image that I captured:

WTH? The clouds have dissipated, half of the punch is gone, and one duckie is drunk and can't sit up straight! WHO SPIKED THE PUNCH!!! That duckie was just fine before I left. I even tried to sit him up straight before snapping the pic. Unfortunately, he slumped right back over in slow motion form just like M after he's had too many beverlies at the local bar. The good news is that the punch was a HIT! Everyone loved it and it was gone in no time. YAY for me!

Happy Valentine's Day!!!

I hope everyone had a great Valentine's Day! A friend snapped a couple of pics of us at the club on Friday for the annual Valentine's Dinner which was delicious.

We've been out of town this weekend so I have lots of blogs to read!

Until next time blogger friends....Have a Marvelous Monday!

Why Must I Torture Myself?

Yes, I did it again people. I went to Wal-Mart. You know my hatred towards this horrid place of madness. I prefer the more expensive, yet smaller version across town and I wasn't going to go to Wal-Mart but I needed groceries for my dinner party tonight AND I needed a punch bowl for a family member's baby shower on Saturday. I was already on that side of town and I figured since it was 1:30 on a Thursday that I could get in and out quickly.

WHAT THE H-E-DOUBLE HOCKEY STICK WAS I THINKING?

The trip started out great! I found a somewhat close parking space next to a cart return (yay...no extra walkin' for this "obese" girl. I still hate you, Lance.) I'm thinking that this is a sign of great things to come. I was wrong. Oh so wrong.

I walked in to grab a cart. I thought I was going to fight Mrs. Old Lady with purple hair and bright red lipstick for trying to run me down with her cart. Apparently there was a sale back in fabric and I was in her way. Back off Old Lady. I got moves. Strike One.

Thanks to another great idea from my girl Jenny, I was looking for some rubber duckies to put in my blue punch for the baby shower on Saturday. I arrived to the baby section and ask a nearby employee in my nicest fake voice if she knows where the ducks are. She tells me they "don't got none". I didn't believe her so I went and looked anyway. Guess what? They have TONS of little duckies in a variety of colors. I wanted to take my find and shove it up her lying azz. Did I mention I'm P.M.S.ing? Strike Two.

As I'm making my way to find a punch bowl (the whole entire reason why I even WENT to freakin' Wal-Mart) I was spat at. Yes, you heard me correctly. A child was busy spitting at passerby's while Momma was talkin' on the phone, trying to decide what mirror she looked best in. My first instinct was to spit right back but I felt this would be immature and inappropriate (plus I thought they may be able to trace my DNA and come after me for something like "endangering a child via saliva"). I then felt compelled to yank his happy self out of that seat and spank his butt and then yell at his momma for not paying attention to her brat of a child but then I had a brief look at what her future held and I had a tad bit of sympathy for the poor girl. So I just stuck my tongue out at him and kept going. Guess what? Wal-Fart is out of punch bowls. SHUT THE FRONT DOOR!!!! Strike Three.

When I grocery shop, I always start at the back and work my way forward. Just as I approached aisle 55 (or whatever aisle is the furthest from the front) guess what? I had to use the bathroom. It was an emergency people! That bean burrito that I consumed very quickly just minutes before my arrival into Never Never Land was not settling very well in my tummy. Very serious stuff. Guess where the bathrooms are? In the front. OMG! Guess who was doing the poo run to the front of the store? When I arrive in said bathroom full of disgust, the only stall open was the first one. Guess what? It didn't stay shut and had zero toilet paper which could have been a HUGE problem. I had to wait patiently (butt-clenched to be specific). Guess who came out of the stall first? Freakin' Mrs. Old Lady with purple hair and red lipstick! I almost shoved her into the wall as I passed by. Strike Four.

As I'm finishing up my grocery shopping, I came down an aisle with a mom and her 10 kids. This happens to me every flippin' time. At this point in my day, I had no energy left to battle with that hot mess of a family so I turn around and skip the aisle altogether. I go up the next aisle and just as I'm exiting, the family of 12 turns the corner and crashes into my basket. My eggs broke. Everywhere. Do I get an apology? Nope. Just a dirty look for being in her way. Strike Five.

I hate Wal-Mart. Wal-Mart can suck it. I'm done with it.

I need a beverly.

Good News/Bad News

Good news: I didn't have a single cavity at my dentist appointment today! (Annie..you reading this?)
Bad news: He wants to pull my helpless little wisdom tooth b/c he says it's too far back there to clean AND he wants to put a crown on an old, old, old filling from 1954 b/c it has a "crack" in it. I'll show him some crack! (Okay..no I won't.)
Extra bad news: I fell in the parking lot. In front of a cute boy. WHY LORD WHY?


Good news: I am still losing weight by eating HEALTHY even though I'm totally slackin' at the gym. This will no longer be a problem starting tomorrow so don't yell at me right now. I'm sensitive.
Bad news: I had a burrito at the freakin' mexican food place today (which included lots of chips and guacamole). I know, I know. I suck. My payback is the 15 pounds of water retention that I will suffer with for the next 5-7 days.


Good news: I'm very faithful about taking my cholesterol-lowering herbs and vitamins which includes Omega 3's, only because my doctor threatened me.
Bad news: I took the Omega 3's after lunch today and for some odd reason, every time I burp, it tastes like a dead fish is swimming around in my mouth! Was this TMI for you? Sorry.


Good news: We're going to Mexico this summer!
Bad news: Cute mexican boys are gonna see my white dimpled cellulite unless I get my azz to the gym! What more motivation does a white girl need than that?


Good news: It's raining outside and I love it! It should help me sleep tonight.
Bad news: I'm currently experiencing a bout with insomnia and the thought of a tornado carrying us away tonight will not help me with that problem. If I don't get caught up on sleep soon, M may be serving me divorce papers. Loss of sleep=cranky biotch

****REALITY PORTION****

Good news: I love Jason (the Bachelor, duh!) and I was so glad he sent Naomi packin' last night.
Bad news: Next week, Deanna comes 'round and makes my secret lover cry. I want to beat her up.


Good news: True Beauty is on tonight! (I may be the only one watching this bit of ridiculousness)
Bad news: Those arrogant, rich people on that show disgust me to no end but I cannot quit watching it! They think they're really hot. The only one that's hot on the whole show is the host, Vanessa Minnillo. I have a girl crush on that one. Nice job landing her, Nick Lachey!

Good news: Joelle is off the biggest loser! She was pathetic and I can't believe she stayed as long as she did!
Bad news: I really liked her friend ex-friend, Carla. She had sass and attitude and lots of weight to lose. She reminded me of someone else I know....hmmm. Perhaps me??

****IRL FRIENDS PORTION****

Good news: My friend Rhonda, and mother of 2 1/2 year old twin boys, got her super pubic catheter out today!! (Super pubic means it was coming out of her abdomen. Can you say OUCH!?) She's had it in since before Christmas.
Bad news: My friend Jennifer, who is around 3 months pregnant got some disturbing news at her high-risk pregnancy doctor today. Can we pray that everything goes okay for her? Her first daughter was born extremely premature but is doing great! (She's now 4)

To all my Oklahoma blogging friends....be safe out there tonight. It's just plain nasty! I wish you NO TORNADOES!

Celebrity Bloggers

I read a fantastic blog today about "celebrity bloggers" over on Yaya's blog this evening. She says and I quote:

"Celebrity Bloggers" is a term I use to describe those bloggers who are so well known and read in bloggy-land that they no longer take the time to visit others blogs, and simply expect people to read theirs."

I love this term!! So no, they're not real celebrity's but some sure act like they are. I understand that when you become so popular and you get over 1,000+ followers and every post gets 200+ comments, it would be a little difficult to visit everyone's blog and leave some love especially if you have a job and kids and a life outside of the blogging world. I don't really have any of those per se, and I'm guilty of reading a blog and not commenting. Sometimes it's b/c someone already said what I was thinking or if the blog is related to something that I personally can't relate to, then I just don't know what to say so I end up saying something stupid like "It's okay...just go get drunk". Enlightening, I know. I should charge by the comment for my services.

But what irritates me the most is when a person has nowhere near that type of following but YOU leave them comments, repeatedly, and you get nothing. Ever. It sucks. And then you wonder, Did I say something wrong or offend them? because I can do that sometimes on accident.

So eventually, you leave another comment. And nothing again. It's like going up to someone and saying "Will you be my friend?" and they answer you by stomping on your heart at the same time and saying "HELL NO". Okay..it's not that bad but you get the picture. That's when I stop following. I enjoy reading them but if you don't have time to leave me a comment, then I don't like you anymore!

I also don't think that just because I'm following you, that you have to follow me. That's stupid and I don't care about that. But if I leave you a comment, it would be nice to get one back.

I can only hope that one day I will have 100+ followers. I promise to always leave comments. I read several blogs that have a larger following and they still manage to leave me comments. Here are the blogs that I follow daily that have more than 100+ followers:

Be Different Act Normal She is a very crafty person and I secretly would love to be her. She has 213 followers and she took the time to send me an email after I asked her a question once and then did a follow-up with me! Does she visit my page? Probably not but she will answer your questions.

Cheryl has 127 followers and she leaves comments for you on her blog but she also leaves me personal comments on mine too. Love her! She's funny!

French Kiss has 184 followers and I'm new to her blog but she did leave me some comment love. SHE FOUND ME FIRST! I haven't commented too much on her blog yet but I enjoy reading it. The point is, she left a comment!

More Wine Please has 121 followers and has left comments on here and her blog is also great!

Mamalicious has 171 followers and also leaves comments when she's not drinking her beverlies...or wait...maybe she only leaves comments when she IS drinking! She's funny though. Love her too!

Bella has 126 followers and I'm new to her blog but she also commented back like a champ. Thanks Bella!

Yaya herself has 139 and she comments on EVERYONE'S blogs! Thank you Yaya for bringing up a fabulous point and for being so sweet!!

Tova Darling has 136 followers and she followed me first AND leaves comments! Thank you my new friend Tova!

I love my other faithful commenters too that have been with me for awhile! Thank you Anniebanannie, JennyKate, Rosemarie, Katy, Miss JC, RaMbLeR, Re-Re, Something in the Glass, M @ Rumblings, and Another Online Mom. I'm so sorry if I missed anyone. It's late.

Also...I don't even mind those lurkers out there that don't leave comments. They just read and go. YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE AND SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELVES but thanks for visiting! Okay...I think I'm done complaining.

*HOMEWORK: Try commenting on someone's blog that you don't usually visit. It will make them feel SO GOOD and maybe they will pay it forward!

I'm exhausted from all the research that I invested into this blog. I'm going to bed. Goodnight and have a pleasant Sunday!

A Pee Story.

Have you ever laughed so hard you had an "accident"?

Some of the blogs that I follow have me laughing out loud (for real...not just in my head) and I get so involved in reading them that when my body says, "It's time to drain your bladder, Master" I tend to ignore the message as long as I can. Have I personally had an accident? Yes..but not from reading blogs. I've matured since the accident described below.

When I was 16 (which was like 5 or 6 years ago), I was driving me and a friend around town in my 1989, oops, I mean my 1998 Camero. We were laughing and having a great time. She was hilarious and had me laughing so hard my abs were getting their workout. Pretty soon, I decided I needed to get to a bathroom.

Well, here's the problem. I didn't do the whole "public gas station bathroom" business. They disgusted me. So, I'm trying to drive back to my house as quickly as possible but of course we see some cute friends stopped at the local gas station and we pulled in to chit chat.

This was my first mistake. There were boys involved so we batted our eye lashes and smiled and twirled our hair and flaunted our B cup boobs but in the back of my mind I was screaming "I'm going to pee in my pants right in front of Cute Boy". I needed to escape. Quickly.

I grabbed my friend and told Cute Boy and his friends that we'll be right back. Of course, being the girly girls that we were, we giggled and talked about the boys until my second mistake came into sight. Having to wait on a stupid train. Oh my...and it was a long one. At this point, I'm holding the vajayjay area trying to keep the pee inside (like that was going to help!). I was so glad that I wasn't driving a stick!

We're almost to my house and my third and final mistake happens. My friend said something funny and I died laughing! Guess what? I peed. In my car. While driving. And it's running down my leg forming a pool of pee-pee in my floor. The clean-up was awesome.

I paid my friend a good sum of money to never repeat that story again. But she did. The very next day. At school. Cute boy never talked to me again. It was sooo his fault!

Good times.

Please tell me that you have an accident story too!

A Penis, A Raccoon, and Scentsy

Okay people. I have lots of addictions. However, this is one addiction that I will never have. What I'm about to tell you is extremely disturbing and not for the weak at heart. A rightly enraged raccoon has just bitten off a man's penis as the pervert of a "man" tried to rape the poor helpless animal! SHUT THE FRONT DOOR! Are you kidding me? YOU GO MR. RACCOON!!!

"Russian Alexander Kirilov, 44, was on a drunken weekend with friends when he leapt on the terrified animal. “When I saw the raccoon I thought I’d have some fun,” he told stunned surgeons in Moscow. Now Russian plastic surgeons are trying to restore his mangled manhood."

Is it me or is this story freakin' anybody else out? I have so many questions!

Can this a$$hole not pick up women in a bar like most drunk men?

What part of this sounded fun to him?

How does a person look at a wild animal (which are also known to carry diseases) even get his "equipment" up?

Who, other than Tommy Lee and Richard Gere, has a life-long dream of sexin' up diseased animals?

Was he on a dare from his other drunken friends? If yes, then he is in desperate need of new friends.

What will his children think? (Oh God, please don't let him have any children)

Why would surgeons waste their time trying to repair it? I say the dick gets what he deserves. Ha..no pun intended!

Can Dr. Phil fix him?

The only way this story would have been better is if Chris Hanson from Dateline would have been there with his hidden cameras to "Catch a Predator". That would have been pure entertainment to see his member become dismembered! Ha...that's what you get you idiot!

Click here for the full story.

Did Someone say FREE STUFF??

In other more important news, my friend, Katy, is having a fabulous giveaway! Who doesn't like free stuff? She has starting selling Scentsy candles and warmers. I think this is some good smelling shiz! Head on over to her page and leave her a comment and you are automatically entered to win FREE STUFF! Tell her I sent you! (No...I don't get anything extra for that, k?)

Here's the link to the original post Hurry...this giveaway closes shop on Friday at midnight! Good luck but I hope I win! =)

My Superbowl Sunday Confession

I, the person addicted to food, am in charge of bringing garlic mashed potatoes and a dessert for the super bowl partay tonight. Two FABULOUS reasons to use my new hands-free mixer I got from the MIL at Christmas!

The dessert of choice was a lovely Spiced Rum Cake that my mother swears is like heaven on earth. It smells delicious and I can't wait to have my 1/48th of a piece of it at the party. (I'm trying to DIET okay? Ooh..good place to tell you about the 6 pounds I lost in January! Woohoo!)

So I had a little extra rum left over and I "accidentally" drank it. What? Nobody's here! M is playing golf and I was really bored so I decided to get the party started a tad bit early! Probably not one of my better decisions for the day. That's all I'm gonna say about that. Thanks, Captain Morgan! Your rum=yum!

Fellow bloggers...please....no need to call AA. My sponsor has already been contacted. I've been given permission to drink since it's the SUPERBOWL!!

GO STEELERS!!