Friday, March 27, 2009

Did you miss me at all?'s been a week since my last confession I mean blog. Did you miss me at all? You're supposed to say yes.

So I had my surgery. Surgery sucks azz. Here are some things I've learned before, during, and after my surgery:

(1) It is possible to shove an IV too far in your hand and bring you to tears.

(2) An anti-anxiety medicine is the PERFECT thing to have in your system before a surgery.

(3) You may say things like "Did you give me that tummy tuck I was hoping for?" while you're still loopy.

(4) Anybody's throat would be sore after surgery if they had a tube shoved down it and ripped back out. Plus it gives you a great excuse to enjoy a strawberry smoothie post op.

(5) Yes, they really can put stitches IN YOUR BELLY BUTTON!

(6) When you see body parts covered in a mysterious yellow dye, have no's only iodine and not urine.

(7) Iodine only comes off with alcohol even though a nurse may tell you to use soap and water which DOES NOT WORK.

(8) You will urinate blue after surgery but nobody will tell you this. They wait for you to freak out first.

(9) You will be full of gas that is supposed to "absorb back into your bloodstream" but it could also make a quick escape out of your shoulders. I'm not lying!

(10) You may look like you are four to five months pregnant for a couple of days due to said gas.

(11) Your bladder and colon may still be sleeping 3 days after surgery. It will take more prescriptions to wake them up. If that doesn't work, then you have the "opportunity" to wear a catheter for a week. I hear that all of Hollywood is sportin' this new fashion statement.

(12) Those medications to help wake up your business will make you pee blue also.

(13) 5mg of Vicodin does NOTHING to stop the pain. Double it up and you're good to go!

(14) Mixing vicodin with vodka may or may not be the best combination to help you heal.

(15) It's normal to feel like someone has ripped out your ab muscles and left you to die. That's when you know you need more medicine.

(16) When you ask for "ovarian drilling" right before surgery, they don't tell you that you will feel like your girly parts are falling out every time you walk and that more recovery time is probably needed.

I have missed "reading" all of you so much! It's still sensitive to sit up for long periods of time so I will try to make some rounds today. Here are some pics for you to laugh at:

My pre-op pic. I wasn't allowed to wear makeup, lotion, jewelry or metal and it was taken at 7:00am so don't be judgin' ok!

How cute are these little socks that they give you to wear so you're feet don't get cold?? I got to take them home as a souvenir!

So we got 6 inches of snow on Saturday. Look at my cute Lexi girl! She loved the cold snow!

And so do big boys from Michigan!

Sunday, March 22, 2009

Good News/Bad News

Good News: M and I got to go camping at Beaver's Bend this weekend!
Bad News: I was there with M, our friends Rex and Carol, and three stinky teenage boys.

Don't you judge my winter-weather outfit! It was chilly!

Good News: I got to go pedal boating for the first time ever!
Bad News: My legs were on fire after only 3 minutes. What a wuss. I need to work on that.

Good News: I went kayaking with M which was relaxing.
Bad News: I almost lost my life trying to get away from the poisonous snake in the water (which was later confirmed to be a limb floating in the water). It was a very scary moment for me.

Good News: I had lots of fun with all the outdoor activities!
Bad News: I'm not a boy who can use the bathroom behind a pine tree. I had to pee in a scary, stinky (as in "throw-up-in-your-mouth" stinky) bathroom where only local rapists hang out. I'm so happy to be alive.

Good News: To relax from my near death experience with the snake, Carol and I went to a Winery. How cute is the name??
Bad News: I left there with a case of wine. Uh-oh.

Good News: M and I had our very own super nice room at the cabin.
Bad News: The walls were paper thin and our bed was the noisest bed you've ever heard in your life. Baby-makin' DID NOT happen on that bed out of respect to Rex and Carol who shared a wall with us. I'm not sayin' it didn't happen in the room. Wine was involved, remember?

Good News: We had a nice campfire every night and it was so wonderful and warm since it got a little chilly at night.
Bad News: Do you know what my hair smells like back here in reality? NOT. GOOD.

Good News: The food is the best part of going camping because you can't diet, right?
Bad News: I consumed about 12 brownies, an entire bowl of guacamole dip, approximately 30 roasted marshmellows, one whole bag of Sour Cream and Onion chips and lots of wine. The diet is back on, ok?
This was my favorite wine called Saucy. It describes me perfectly!

Good News: Cheap OJ + cheap champagne = happiness for me (aka high class white trash girl)

Bad news: This was NOT my only glass of this most dangerous piece-of-heaven beverage. I never learn a lesson.

Doesn't it just look tasty?

Good News: I invented a new morning drink (besides the mimosa, which I now drink at dinner) and it was delish!

Bad News: It involves left over wine and OJ. We called it Impulsive's Special Breakfast Drink and we learned that it should never be consumed while attempting to pack up and leave. Enough said.

Good News: Lexi is happy to be back at home and eating normal dog food.
Bad News: We had to leave the housekeepers a surprise on our bed. Lexi threw up a mysterious liquid and lots of sticks last night at 4:30 am. Yes, I said sticks. We got rid of the sticks. The liquid...not so much. I'm sure it will wash out, right? My dog=weird.
She is NOT a happy car rider!

Good News: I can finally post and read my favorite blogs and search the internet!
Bad News: I had to sacrifice 5 hours of my life on the phone with Dell tech support with a girl named Shyla from India and $250 to fix my virus-infected computer. I now have NORTON installed on my computer.

Good news: This is my last post this week and it just started!~
Bad news: I have to have surgery on Wednesday (more on that HERE) and I'll be hooked on Vicodin (aka my new bff) until my prescription runs out. Don't you people judge me!

Okay...I'm signing out for a week but don't forget me. I'll be back and if I play my cards right, maybe I can convince my doctor to shape up the tummy area by eliminating some unnecessary fatness since I don't use it anyway and she'll give me a flatter tummy! *FINGERS CROSSED*

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

More Random Crap and Other Small Tidbits

Happy Saint Patty's Day!!! I hope everyone is enjoying some sparkling green beer! =)

I was tagged by JennyKate (a friend IRL) to complete this questionnaire. Maybe you'll learn something new and shocking about me! Or......maybe not.

Here's the rules:
*Copy and paste the questionnaire, and post with your answers on your blog.
*Refer and link back to me.
*Tag four bloggers and leave them comments to let them know they have been tagged.
*Answer honestly!

(1) When is your birthday? January 4th, 1990! I know..... you can't believe that I'm so young, huh?!
(2) How long have you been blogging? Since December 2008 and it feels like FO-EVER!
(3) Tell me your five most favorite body parts. 1. I like my eyes 2. I like my smile 3. I like my drinking habits. 4. I like when my azz is sleeping 5. I like my dreams about being a skinny bitch. There ya go. That's my five.
(4) What color are you nails right now? OPI..hott pink but I am in desperate need of a mani people!
(5) Have you had any depressing thoughts lately? Who has time for that? Except when I thought I was going to kill a man for cutting me off today in traffic. That would have been depressing for him.
(6) What’s your plan for the next month? How about we just start with my plan for tomorrow. I plan to go to the gym. That's a start.
(7) At what age did you have your first crush? 4th Grade, Craig Moore. Enough said.
(8) Have you attended any school reunions? Nope. Maybe next time. Oh wait...I forgot I'm not "OLD" enough yet to attend reunions.
(9) Have you ever passed gas in public and pretended like you didn’t smell anything? Did you read my post last week? This happens on occasion.
(10) What era do you wish you were born in? I like this era, thanks.
(11) Are you a vegetarian? Nope but I can live without meat for extended periods of time. But not all meat. *wink, wink*
(12) Do you secretly wear granny panties when your man is not around? Why would someone other than a pervert want to know this answer? You're not tricking me into saying that I don't wear underwear! Eww.
(13) What is your ultimate dream job? To relax on a beach all day and taste fruity umbrella drinks one right after another that are delivered to my cabana by a cute Mexican boy named Pablo. WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?
(14) What does your husband do that annoys you the most? Which one? M or Mr. Pitt? M is a little bit of a slob if I don't pick up after him. Mr. Pitt annoys me when he wants to kiss me all the time. In my head.
(15)Do you wake up easily in the morning? Let's just say that I can mimic an evil witch if I'm up before 8:00am.
(16) Do you like hairy men? I think it should be law that all hairy men receive waxings.
(17) How about a man with a goatee? I totally dig it.
(18) What is the most extreme sport you have ever done? Extreme dating.
(19) Do you prefer traveling in Europe or Asia? Sign me up for both please.
(20) What is your favorite food? Mexican of course! Yo quiero Taco Bueno.
(21) What is your most embarrassing moment while out on a date? Catching my date "helping himself" to an O face by banging his member on the bathroom sink. That was fun.

I tag everyone! I always want to learn something new about people that I stalk daily! Please let me know if you decide to do it so I can make fun of your answers!

P.S. I can't get my labels to show up at the bottom of my posts anymore. I've tried everything. I like my labels and I miss them very much. If you can help me, I will bake you some brownies next time you're in Smallville, Oklahoma.

Saturday, March 14, 2009

Beer + 4 Mimosa's=PAIN

If I know from previous experiences that mixing beer with other beverages is going to give me a "headache" in the morning, then WHY DO I KEEP DOING IT???

The beers were tasty but I wanted a mimosa....or 4. I know that mimosa's are for breakfast (or if you're fancy, they are for brunch) but can't a girl drink one at nighttime? Yes...I'm white trash and proud, ok? Maybe this is a lesson learned. Maybe not. I'll keep you posted b/c we have friends coming up from Texas today! I'm sure there will be more drinking involved tonight. Wish me luck!

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

A Flatulence Fib

I am an honest person for the most part. Since my mom is reading, I'll go ahead and tell you that I haven't always been such an honest person. As a teenager, I would lie just to lie. I was a horrible human being. One day, I lied too many times and my daddy beat me good. I'm pretty sure that cured me of lying. I could go on and on about horrible "ME" stories from my teenage years but I'll save some for another time.

Now don't get me wrong. I will say a couple of "white lies" on occasion. For example, when those pesky telemarketers call and they ask for me, I will usually say: I'm sorry, she's not home right now. May I take a message? or when M asks me what I've had to eat on any given day, I might conveniently forget to tell him about that snack sized Snickers that I had with my lunch, or when the Pastor at church asks a question like Raise your hand if you have sinned today and I don't, knowing that I just gossiped about some crazy swinger in my new town.

Being a teacher in Texas had one single perk: The salary compared to Oklahoma. The downfall of me becoming a teacher: The TAKS test (which stands for Texas Assessment of Knowledge and Skills test in case you were just dying to know).

It was TAKS testing day in Texas. If you're a teacher from Texas, you know all too well that this means you have kids throwing up on their tests and others peeing in their pants due to the anxiety of this flippin' test. I didn't make that up. That has happened on a few occasions. So, all was quiet in room 33 and I had just sat down to check my email (which, btw, you are no longer allowed to do during testing in Texas). My computer chair was a plastic chair--not like my comfy leather desk chair. I suddenly have the urge to pass a little gas. DON'T YOU JUDGE ME! WE ALL HAVE MOMENTS LIKE THIS! I for sure thought this was going to be a teeny tiny silent little gust of wind. I was wrong. Oh so wrong. I made the loudest, most vibrated noise that these kids had probably ever heard! I was mortified! I had to think quick! How was I going to handle this embarrassing situation? I handled it in a very classy way: By standing up and asking "Who was that?? Who just did that?? (while giving them my meanest teacher stare). Of course, nobody came clean. They just stared at me like I was crazy. I secretly think they all knew it was me but I honestly reacted in the only way I could at that time. That was my first instinct. I was utterly embarrassed. Mortified might be a better adjective.

The next day, a parent brought up this little incident while dropping off her child. She said her son came home and said that someone "exploded in their pants" and he couldn't concentrate the rest of the day. OMG!

Since then, I can honestly say that I never had another flatulence problem during a TAKS test again!
P.S. On a slightly different note, M and I celebrated being inseparable for the last 9 years yesterday which was when our first date took place. I've been married to this amazing man for over 6 years. Eat your hearts out ladies! I'm a lucky, lucky girl!

Friday, March 6, 2009

I've been a very good girl!

WARNING: This will be a LONG post and I'm sorry! I've accumulated way too many awards (to which I am very thankful) and now I have to fix it!

I feel so flippin' loved right now! Just this week, I've received all these fabulous awards! I can't believe it! 4 months ago, I didn't even have a blog and now look at me! I'm almost famous (in my head of course!)

Okay so Anniebanannie nominated me for the Creative Award. I can't stand to misspell it, being a teacher and all. She even knows me IRL and still gave me this award. There is NOTHING creative about this Impulsive Girl from Smalltown but when someone gives you an award, you smile, pose for the camera, and accept it!

Here are the rules: List 7 things that you love and then pass the award on to 7 people...tagging them and letting them know they won! You can copy the picture of the award and put it on your sideboard letting the whole wide world know you are.

Aside from loving my family and friends, here are my other 7 loves:

1. I love vacations to sunny places where I can let my cellulite get a tan.

2. I love Mexican food almost as much as brownies.

3. I love reading a book that has me hooked in the first chapter.

4. I love good small town gossip! (If you don't have anything good to say, come talk to me!)

5. I love lemon wedges in my water and lime wedges in my beer.

6. I love my iPhone and think I have a slight MASSIVE addition to it that may require medication at some point.

7. I love my very blessed life complete with a wonderful family and awesome friends who love me and all my crazy addictions.

Now I have to pass this on to 7 people and I choose:

The Soladay Family--I almost can't go to her page b/c she's much too creative for me and then I develop self-esteem issues. But she did a great job on my header!

The Soladay-Jones Family--She just did some painting so she MUST be creative!

Rosemarie--She does virtual scrap booking and has twins. I think you have to be creative to keep them entertained, right?

Another Online Mom--She is always full of fabulous ideas!

Cheryl--I love her b/c her blog also starts with "Confessions of.." just like me and she rearranges her blog style frequently so that makes her creative (or just crazy).

Steph--She makes things and gives them away in her giveaways! She also has great taste! And hello, she's an Oklahoma girl living in Germany right now. How lucky is she?

Yaya--She does video blogs where she dances with her pups! Now that's creative!

There's Someting in the Glass sent me this lovely The Sisterhood Award! I only have a brother and I've always wanted sisters b/c boys are stupid. I'm supposed to nominate 5-10 blogs that show Attitude and/or Gratitude. Here are my 5 nominations for SASSINESS:

Mamalicious--She has more than enough sassiness for all of us! She INVENTED the word BEVERLY!! She's so classy!

Sassy Cass--I believe her name says it all!

ReRe--You have to check this gal out! She's a hoot!

The Rambler--Full of sheer sassiness! She's fab!

Rose and Jill--Check these hilarious girls out! (But one just went through a breakup so maybe an award would cheer her up)

Miss JC--She teaches music and can probably sing which is sassy! I hear she can dance too!

Mel--She's a Canadian and you know those girls from up north are as sassy as they come!

JennyKate gave me another Fabulous Blog Award! A blogger can never have too many of these! ReRe gave me one earlier this week and I didn't nominate anyone b/s I was scared but I am choosing to nominate some of my fabulous picks in the hopes that you agree with me! If not, you can suck it.

More Wine Please--She's a wine-drinking photographer who might enjoy doing both at the same time!

Wheezer--She has cheese coming out of her brain AND she used to be a Bachelor fan like me.

Schmoochiepoo--another Canadian gal who had a horribly embarrassing situation recently so she needs this award!

Lipstick--She's a southern gal who won't even go to the mailbox without lipstick! I like that. Plus she's a Twilighter!

Mel gave me the Friendship Award and Katy gave me the Jewel Award! The Friendship Award says:
“These blogs are exceedingly charming. These kind bloggers aim to find and be friends. Our hope is that when the ribbons of these prizes are cut, even more friendships are propagated. Please give more attention to these writers. Deliver this award to eight bloggers who must choose eight more and include this cleverly-written text into the body of their award.”

Guess what? I'm giving this award to all my blogger friends IRL! And they are:

Jenny--When I first met her 6 years ago, I did NOT like her but now she is the hoochie momma that I stay with on my trips back to Fort Worth. She taught me to "Ice da Cake"! We've had many good times getting in trouble together and we both love brownie batter like no other. NKOTB fo' life!

Anniebanannie--a friend from college is a friend forever, right? She's my hip/hop listenin', cottage cheese lovin', gangster pimpin' thug-fo-life hooker friend and I miss her! I'm comin' to see you soon, Annie!

Peaches (Blogger won't let me link you!) She's a doll and dating one of M's friends. They are coming to stay with us next weekend! YAY!

JennyKate--I've known her for years. We went to church together, wore diapers at church camp together and I'm sure we got in trouble together. She's a funny one!

Renee--I think I can say the exact same thing about Renee except I know we got in trouble together (neighborhood boys were stupid when they made us play truth or dare!)

Kelli--We worked in one district together and moved to a different district and we have a lot in common. We had some good times at Happy Hours! Looking forward to seeing you at HH today!

Kim--She worked with me at Keller ISD but was only there for one year. She had to move down south but she is greatly missed by all.

I didn't nominate everyone that follows me and I'm sorry. This took me 3 hours and I'm just so tired. I promise to award everyone at sometime or another. It takes time to link up everyone. I'm just plum out of energy.

With Love,

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Brought to you by the letter B and the numbers 1-10.

The Alphabet Game!

I love games! Those sassy girls Rose and Jill at Delightfully Inappropriate gave me the letter B. I have to compile a list of 10 things that I love that begin with the letter B. This should be easy. Here we go:

1. Bubble Baths. There is nothing more relaxing than a nice, hot bubble bath complete with candles and my Us Weekly magazine. Well...wait. Drinking a beverly is relaxing but in a different way. Why not combine the two? Simply perfection. I'll try that next time.

2. Burritos. It is no secret that I love Mexican food. When given the opportunity to chow down on 2 baskets of chips, salsa and guacamole, I almost always order a bean burrito as my entre. No rice. No beans. Just the burrito. I ♥ them! Yep...that's right. White trash all the way people.

3. Brownies. My fifth favorite food group would include these tasty bites of heaven. Jenny and I have been known to eat half of the batter before they even make it into the oven. Yes, just another example of how white trash I really am. Hold on....there will be more examples.

4. Brad. Even though we're not together in IRL, we are together in my head. I've been there through all the breakups: Juliette, Gwen, my bff Jenn, and of course his present bitch, Angie. I will always be in lurve with this hott piece of azz--as long as that mustache doesn't make a return visit. I haven't given up hope that he will one day father just one of my future babies. I'm pretty sure this is one of the reasons why my doctor still wants to medicate me.

5. Boomer Sooner. If you know me IRL, then you know my true passion for this amazing football team. Bob and I had a chat recently over some delish burritos and brownies and we disussed why he made them lose the National Championship game. I'm almost certain that he took my advice for the upcoming season. I also suggested that he take a couple of shots before each game to lesson that stressful expression that the cameras seemed to capture in past games. We're good friends. GO SOONERS!!

6. Bodybugg. This is my new, updated version of the tool that helps me lose weight (when I wear it). If you watch The Biggest Loser, then you have probably noticed that they wear these around their arm. It tracks your every move including how many steps you take in a day. At the end of the day, you plug it into your computer and it gives you an activity report for the day. Combine that with logging your food intake and it will tell you how many calories consumed and burned and how many pounds you should lose this week. It's freakin' A-MAZING! If you're a member of 24 Hour Fitness, they're on sale right now. Apparently, you can't cheat by not putting in that brownie or that beverly you had. You will NOT lose weight by cheating. I'm such a loser.

7. Beer or aka Mamalish's word: The Beverly. It's a new friend of mine. We've only been friends since last summer. It's tasty and I love it even more with lime wedges.

8. Beaches and Bartenders. These next two have to go together. I've been to lots of beaches and some of the best beaches and bartenders are in Me-he-co. The Jose's, Juan's and Jesus's will usually treat you right and if you tip them enough dinero, they will make your frozen drinks with alcohol instead of water. BONUS!

9. Bags. I love handbags. Here is the newest one that I purchased through Amazon this week. It's a Jessica Simpson. I do not currently own one of her bags, but I feel bad for the way that the media is treating her about her 5 pound weight gain (or 20) so I thought it would make her feel better for me to buy a bag from her. Since she started dating Romo, and I moved back to Oklahoma, we just don't talk as much as we used to. I sent her my old bodybugg and told her to hurry and get that 5 pounds off so she can grace the cover of my Us Weekly magazine again. I miss seeing her totally toned body.

10. Boots. I have way too many pairs of boots in my closet. Short boots, dressy boots, hooker boots....I have them all but only in two colors: Brown and Black. Here is me modeling my newest pair from this winter: this is not me and it's not my newest pair but I would love to have those boots and those legs. Don't you judge me!

That was so much fun (except for when my computer didn't save my original post and I lost 2 hours of my life that I'll never get back). If you would like to play, just let me know and I'll give you a letter! Don't worry...I won't give you Q, X, or Z. I would love to read your alphabet game!

Sunday, March 1, 2009

O-faces and such.... WTH? I understand that sex sells, but have we gone too far? This was in my Us Weekly magazine on Friday:

What's Your Cherry O-face? o-face is none of your business but I'm pretty sure that I won't be gettin' it with your Three Olives Vodka. (Patron tequila is a different story.)

Oh don't you worry guys. You have your very own page too! Do you like Root Beer? Does it give you your O-face? I'll be the first to admit that guys seem to really enjoy o-faces but with a root beer flavored vodka?

Don't think so, Lucy!

I'm somewhat disturbed by all the o-face talk. (or maybe I'm laughing in my head) I expect ads like this is Playboy or Maxim but not my favorite Hollywood trash-talking magazine! It's not enough to make me cancel my subscription just yet but I'll be giving them a warning. I'm calling Perez Hilton in hopes that he will get the word out that I may consider cancelling and they don't want that. I'm pretty important to their mailing list. I may have been their very first client.

Anyone want to volunteer to try the o-face challenge? Apparently, it just takes one small bottle of Three-Olives Vodka.

In other news, I was given a Fabulous award by ReRe! Thank you so much ReRe! I almost feel famous!

I'm supposed to pass it on to all the fabulous blogs I read but you can see the list of blogs that I read (almost daily) to the right. I'm not going to list names of blogs that I think are fabulous because what if you don't think they're fabulous and you go to their page? I would lose my credibility and I can't afford that right now. Just know that there are numerous blogs that should be awarded this award. If you think your blog is fab, then here's your award!! =)
Enjoy the rest of the weekend!