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Monday, April 27, 2009

Alcohol

This is the story of my life people.....which means I know this to be TRUE!



Alcohol does not make you FAT....it makes you LEAN ..... against tables, chairs, floors, walls and ugly people.

I'm glad that I could pass along such valuable information to my fellow followers.

You're welcome.

Friday, April 24, 2009

Friday Confession (2 weeks worth!)



Forgive me Lord and fellow bloggers. It's been 2 weeks since my last confession and I need to make this list as short as possible b/c it's Friday night and I've got some drinkin' to do.

  • Easter dinner was OOC. (out of control) It's amazing that I didn't gain 10 pounds. I'm not joking. There were 3 desserts! I had them all....and not just a "taste" either.
  • While staying with my girl Rhonda, I was tempted with cake. Yep, I had 2 pieces. I pretty much suck.
  • Needless to say, I didn't work out last week (big surprise) but I'm back on track for this week. I also gave up sugar. This is day 5 without it and I'm ready to knock someones head off! I'm not a pretty person without sugar in my system. Let's hope for M's sake that this "mood swing thing" gets in check real quick.
  • I have sucked azz at reading and commenting on blogs this week. I'm sorry. Am I forgiven? Please say yes.
  • I went shopping and bought 2 bathing suits. Oh.my.gawd! Do you know it's technically bathing suit weather Memorial Day weekend? THAT'S IN ONE MONTH!! I've decided to quit eating until then. Wish me luck.
  • While out at the bar, I was asked by a crusty old man if I wanted to "ride his horse bareback style". I was scared and utterly disturbed. It made me throw up a little bit.
  • I've been doing lots of drinking. That's also OOC and I can't help myself. When does a person know they need AA? I'm asking for my friend...not me. Duh.
  • Apparently, I did our taxes incorrectly last year b/c we got a "friendly" letter from Mr. IRS about how we owe $7,900 MORE dollars in addition to the $5,900 we already paid in 08. My new BFF, Mr. CPA Man, fixed a tiny mistake that will only cost us $1,000 more dollars instead of $7,900. I will be going to my new BFF from now on. Lesson learned.
  • While driving home from Tulsa, I accidentally drove 30 miles past my exit. Guess what happens when you do that? You have to drive another 30 miles to get back to said exit. And I had to pee. I was very close to attempting the "sit and pee in cup" method that I've seen done once. I wasn't sure about my aim so I opted to hold for a while and that worked.
  • I still haven't planned my vacay for August. I'm such a loser.
  • I finally watched Twilight and I'm on the fence about how I feel about it. I still heart the Edward (that's in my head) but that is NOT the Jacob that I had pictured in my head. I'll be okay JennyKate.
  • My last confession is a doozie. I went to the casino with some of my teacher buds from Tejas. I won money (YAY!!) but I also cussed a lot. And I drank a lot. (That may be putting it mildly). And I took advantage of an old guy who won $15,000. Okay...not really but he kept buying us drinks and shots and we let him. We are horrible people. I've left you with some entertaining pics. Have a fabulous weekend~
The hotel staff totally thought we were drunk. We weren't...yet.




We had some delish BBQ and beer for din din. We also tried "RED BEER" which is beer and tomato juice. It was interesting yet disturbingly bloody looking. Yes, I like to double fist my beverages, okay?



Feast your eyes on the Saturday Night Special at Winstar. The shot of salt was free and made me bloat up like a balloon but it was sooo worth it.



Ever had a shot of NERDS? I have.



Hide and Seek anyone?




I'm pretty sure this is me growling while thinking about attacking the photographer.
Don't even think about judging me.

Cuddling or wrestling? Not sure....but it's disturbing either way.


Masks and wine. What a perfect combo.



Could I be putting Cheetos down her pants? That's a long story and I'll save it for another confession.
How did we NOT get kicked out at 3:00am in the morning?

That's all I got....how'd ya like that?


Monday, April 20, 2009

SEX and HEADACHES

This just in....


Sex DOES NOT cure headaches. I'm sick of falling for this trick.


I just wanted to send a warning out to all my peeps. I would hate to see any of you fall for this line of shiz. You're welcome.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

My List of 8. Don't you dare judge me!

I ♥ lists! I love to read them but they're always hard for me to do. I was tagged by my friend IRL JennyKate. You should visit her! She's super funny...only sober.

Here's the deal--mention the person that tagged you. Complete the lists of 8's. Tag 8 of your wonderful blogger friends. Go tell them you tagged them! <---I don't do this part. I don't know why. ***************************************************************************
8 Things I Am Looking Forward To

1. I'm looking forward to my next drink of choice. I'm feeling a mimosa comin' on..

2. I'm looking forward to pushing out an 8 pound baby through something the size of a grape. (No...I'm not currently pregnant, ok?)

3. I'm looking forward to making out with Joey Joe at the NKOTB concert in July.

4. I'm looking forward to seeing "old" teacher friends at our overnight casino visit on Saturday. I'll give you one guess what I'll be doing besides gambling?

5. I'm looking forward to going to Mexico to bask in the sun, while drinking a lot and getting rub downs from cute Mexican boys.

6. I'm looking forward to swimming in mom and dad's pool in my shorts and t-shirt instead of a bathing suit (if I don't quit eating!)

7. I'm looking forward to asking Brad Pitt if we can take our relationship to the next level.

8. I'm looking forward to selling our house in Fort Worth so I only have ONE mortgage payment. Anybody wanna buy it?

8 Things I Did Yesterday


1. I ate Subway for lunch AND Sonic for dinner. Why not pick up all meals through a drive thru? I heard it's great for your waiste line.

2. I worked out (in my head)

3. I drove 2 hours to help a friend in need. I'm a damn good friend, RHONDA!

4. I pretended to be Eminem while singing and dancing (white boy style) in my car for my mini road trip.

5. I pissed some people off by sending them a bill from their doctor.

6. I caught up on the latest Hollywood gossip by reading my Us Weekly (a few days late!)

7. I "accidentally" flipped a girl off for turning in front of me which caused me to slow down to the speed limit. This is unacceptable behavior.

8. I went to sleep at 2:00am (sober) and woke up at 5:45 (with no hangover!) WooHoo!

8 Things I Wish I Could Do


1. I wish I could go to a beach like right now

2. I wish I looked like Jenn Aniston

3. I wish I could go to the gym and take down Lance (only my long time followers will understand this)

4. I wish I could dance like Julianne Hough

5. I wish I could sing like Beyonce

6. I wish I could sit down with Bob Stoops and chat about the upcoming football season and maybe give him some pointers/tips/advice so I could see my Sooner boys win the Championship game this year.

7. I wish I could fire Donald Trump and his tupee.

8. I wish I could be on Biggest Loser so Jillian could kick my azz into gear and I could ask Bob if he is gay.

8 Shows I Watch

1. Biggest Loser (from my bed as I eat snickers and potato chips)

2. Dancing with the Stars (so I can drewl over Gilles without his shirt on )

3. G's to Gents (so I can improve my gangsta lingo)

4. Samantha Who (because it's funny)

5. Desparate Housewives (because I wanna be more like Gabby)

6. Ellen (because she has moves)

7. Chelsea Lately (because she doesn't care that she's a bitch and I could learn from her)

8. Gossip Girl (because I'm all about good gossip!)

8 People I Tag
Okay..first of all, I don't like to pick people b/c I never know who wants to do it and who doesn't. So there is no pressure to do this and I will not even be letting you know you were tagged so you'll have to READ THIS POST to find out! =)

1. Anniebanannie @ This Momma's Musings

2. Kelli @ Kevin and Kelli Palmer

3. Allison @ Soladay Family

4. What's her name @ There's Something in the Glass

5. Steph @ Adventures of John and Steph

6. Dawn @ Dawn's Diversions

7. Rumblings and Bumblings

8. Mel @ the Bubble

Friday, April 10, 2009

Friday Confessions

Please forgive me Lord, for I have sinned. A lot. And I was peer pressured (AKA bullied) by French Kiss into doing another post to cover up my nasty feet down below. Besides, this post is coming in just under the wire for a true Friday confession since it's almost Saturday. Okay...here we go:

  • I am the proud owner of NKOTB tickets for this summer! Yes, I saw them back in October but Joey Joe is my true soul mate and the more concerts I stalk him at, the better my chances of him realizing I'm the woman of his dreams. Thank goodness I have witnesses going with me for when the making out session(s) takes place. It will be on film and I will share it with all of you!
  • I did not vacuum or dust this week. Or last week. I'm such a loser. You're judging aren't you? Well you can suck it.
  • I got tipsy on a work night. My new drink of choice for the month of April is a Malibu Rum with club soda and a splash of Coke for color. De-lish.
  • I killed a scorpion in my bedroom. Okay...so that's a lie. M had to do it. I was sure it would kill me first. I'm so glad I lived to tell you my confessions. It was a very close call.
  • My diet is currently on hiatus. In one week I've had pizza, Schlotzky's, Mexican food x 3, steak with lots of carbs, and Melting Pot for dessert and it's not even Easter yet. WTH? I think I'm hoping for additional cellulite on my thighs and azz just in time for bathing suit weather.
  • My exercise regimen is also currently on hiatus but will get a swift kick in the azz on Monday morning.....or maybe Tuesday.
  • I had dinner with my cousin Anje and her hubby last night at Flemings. I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to have a bill that is more than your house payment but it was oh so worth it! If only I had an eating disorder...
  • I was a skimmer on some blogs this week. No, I'm not talking about yours! I just had a few people (again...none of you, ok?) who were a little long winded and I skimmed. I'm sorry....I may or may not have ADD. If you don't capture my attention in the first paragraph then I'm probably going to skim. That's just how I roll. Whew! That was a good confession!
  • While hangin' out gansta style with Anniebanannie today, I ran into an ex-boyfriend who I haven't seen in over 10 years. He was a bad, bad person. My confession is that I wanted to beat him down with my brass knuckles and run him over with my car (or hers) but I was at a loss for words and sick to my stomach for several minutes so I missed my opportunity. Is it bad that I hope I get another chance? I thought so. Darn it. BTW...thanks for letting me sniff your goods today, Annie! (She sells Scentsy you sick people!)
  • After receiving our country club bill from the bar for the month of March, I'm sad to say that some people may say that I'm an alcoholic. I choose to say that I'm just a plain white trash girl who's a lot of fun. (Clarification: This country club is only for white trash folks. If you have money or are rich, then you don't belong.)
  • I listened to Vanilla Ice tonight. Whoopsie! It was an accident but once I started singing, I couldn't quit. It was terrible. Please forgive me. Can we still be friends?

There you have it people. My confessions for the week. I'm hoping to trim down the list next week but I can't be making promises that I can't keep.

Don't you dare judge me!

HAPPY EASTER!!!!!!!!

***For more Friday Confessions, please visit my friend IRL JennyKate's Spot!***



Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Tuesday Tidbits

I bet you di'unt know that I was on Oprah...in my school shirt. Oh yes I was and she was lovely. And skinny. I had LOTS to say. I'm kinda a big deal and like famous now. In my head.

I totally fell for this trick once or twice. Okay..three times. But that's why I'm putting this warning out....because I care. You're welcome.

I think all of you MOMMY'S out there should totally pick this one up for your boy childrens. They need to be respected thugs, gangsta's and pimps fo sho and who else to teach such a lesson than the Berenstains? They are awesome!

And finally....



Do you think it's time for me to endulge in a pedi for myself? And maybe a good lotion? I just need a second opinion. Thanks!


Friday, April 3, 2009

Friday Confessions

I've decided to try a Friday Confessional just like my friend IRL JennyKate. I'm not sure how dedicated I will be to making this work weekly b/c I don't like to confess my shiz but I'm willing to try. I have LOTS to confess this week:
  • I'm sorry to all my Facebook friends for saying that I was in a car wreck that landed me in the ER. Hey...it was April 1st and you're allowed to "lie" as to pull off jokes and pranks, right? I rest my case.
  • I'm in what I like to call "a resting stage" on the scale. I've weighed the same for the last 3 weeks. Could it be all the chocolate that I've been eating? Could it be the pizza that I've had for lunch twice this week? Could it be the Mexican food that I've had on SEVERAL occasions? Could it be the vicodin/vodka combination that I've been consuming since my surgery? Or could it be the fact that I've totally been avoiding the gym like it has an STD? Bathing suit weather (and my mom and dad's new pool) is just around the corner people and I need to suck it up (or in). I need some motivational comments to get me going. Calling me a fat ass might work.
  • I've been listening to a new song on my itunes and ipod this week. It's bad.....no....like really bad. It's called I Love College and it talks about crazy parties, naked girls, chugging beer, doubling up on condoms, and performing keg stands at said parties. Is it wrong if I've already memorized the words? I'm pretty sure my Boss up above is NOT happy with me.
  • I still haven't watched the Twilight movie. I'm too scared to watch it because there are so many hot and cold reviews from true fans. If I watch this movie and it's not how I imagine it in my head, then I will no longer be a fan. Yes...I have problems.
  • M and I watch Chelsea Lately every night before we go to bed. Here is my confession: She looks HORRIBLE! She needs a tan and she needs to wear some lipstick! Last season she was too cute for words. This season, I'm not impressed with her looks at all but I still love her and watch her nightly. I'm going to hell for judging aren't I?
  • I've been a blog stalker this week. I haven't had the energy to comment on some of your brilliant blogs for some reason. This could be why I lost a follower two days ago. I'm very sad about it. I've never lost one before. How do some people have 200 followers? I'm convinced that they have paid people to follow them to make me have self-esteem issues. It's ok...I like my following just fine!!
  • Madonna is w.e.i.r.d. (Why doesn't the "i before e except after c" rule apply here?) I can't help it that I don't want Madonna to get that baby from Malawi. She is crazy and whacked ANNIEBANANNIE and she's not a good momma of the 3 children she has now. My opinion may have been swayed after reading articles from my US Weekly and E NEWS text messages. I'm just sayin'...

I NEED YOUR HELP!!

Ok peeps...I've gotta vacation to plan. I've been searching the internet for the best vacation packages and I'm just not having any luck. I want to find a place in Me-he-co or the surrounding area that is all-inclusive, adults only, tasty restaurant choices, and something that won't cost us $2000 per person. Do you have a favorite search engine? Do you have a hotel recommendation? I also need a swim up bar to fetch my next beverage of choice. Help a sister out, will ya? Thanks! ;-)