Friday Confessional

I confess that I've been to the gym every day this week and still managed to have a GAIN on the scale.  I think it's because junk that doesn't belong in my mouth accidentally falls into my mouth. (Like homemade cookies and those flippin' dangerous girl scout cookies!) 
I confess that as I was seat dancin' and lip syncing to Marky Mark's Good Vibrations yesterday, that I may have been slightly responsible for the man that ended up dipping his car down in the ditch ever so slightly.  It wasn't my fault!  He needs to keep his eyes on the road instead of watching me get crunk through his rear view mirror.
I confess that it's been a baaaaad week.  The MIL and FIL (from Michigan) have been here for over a week.  There was a fight.  There was crying.  There was pouting.  There were silent treatments.  There were apologies.  There was drinking.  <----guess who?  The sad thing is, until Emma, there were no fights.  EVER.  But my MIL likes things her way even though she's not the momma. Of course I had to set her straight.  They leave on Saturday.GOOD NEWS:  M and I leave today at noon for TEXAS to see some friends that moved away!  This will be going with me:

Two bottles of some good local wine, the Captain and winerita mix.

I confess that I LOVE a good Girls Night Out...especially when some certain FLATS make an appearance and JennyKate continually makes us laugh.  She is SUPA FUNNY!

And one more confession....

I confess that I am SUPER DUPER excited that my BFF from my hometown, Jennifer, and her little girl get an all expenses paid trip to NYC for a photo shoot with Marlo Thomas!  You see, Jennifer's 19 month old finished chemo treatments last month for eye cancer and is still evaluated monthly at St. Judes. (Hence the photo op with Marlo.  She's their #1 spokesperson) Her little girl is precious.  Jenn reads my blog. Send her some good vibes!  She's had a HARD road this past year. She's the strongest person I know. Love you Jenn~

No Mo Chemo Party!!!!!

What are your juicy confessions? 

My Top Sexxxy List

Soooo, the IN LAWS are in town *sigh* (and have been since last Thursday)  therefore I haven't found much time for blogging since they aren't supposed to know this blog exists. To add to the drama, they stay up super late like me.  But I'm still reading you. I promise.

Last week, Myya did an amazing post on her TOP 10 List so I decided I wanted to play.  


I have a HUGE list of "potential reasons" to file for a divorce from M (MEANING: if any of my boys give me so much as a wink or a lick of the tongue..I'm GONE) so I've narrowed it down...but you know me. I never play by the rules.  There will be 12 reasons to drool on your keyboard plus one bonus at the end. You're welcome, Sweetcheeks!


Sorry Yogi, LBB, and Cheeseboy. You may want to skip down to the bonus.


Here they are in no particular order (except for Brad).  He'll always be first even though he lives with a whore.


1. Brad Pitt. I mean, seriously?  HE'S HOT.

2. Channing Tatum. He had me at Step Up.

3. Bradly Cooper. Me love you long time.

4.  Eminem.  Mama LOVES this bad boy with a PASSION.

5.  Eric Dane. I'll let him play doctor on me. Anytime.

6.  Justin Timberlake.  He's the whole package. Too bad he's dating an UGLY GIRL.

7. LL COOL J.  I'll pay him to knock me out.

8.  Mark Consuelos.  We'd have beautiful babies but first I'd have to get super skinny like his wife Kelly Ripa.

9.  Mark Wahlberg.  I'd LOVE to kiss hold his right hand for this picture.

10. Patrick Dempsey.  I fell in lust with him in Can't Buy Me Love...probably at the age of 12.

 11. Ryan Reynolds. I love a man that can make me laugh. Thank you for getting rid of Scarlett.

12. Taye Diggs.  Raise your hand if you don't like a little chocolate?  Mmmm....do you see that gorgeous smile? And good news!  He likes the vanilla flavored ladies! HOLLA~

13.  BONUS: Jen Aniston.  I mean, she's my BFF and all but I would TOTALLY suck face with her.  I mean...I probably would.  Look at her?  She's smokin' hot!

Joey McIntyre...I do still love you.  I promise.  I'll see you in July. MUAH.

Who would make it on your list?  

My Happy List

This is my very first time to do the HAPPY LIST.  I'm keeping it short and simple.  Here are my LOVES for this week:
I ♥my new Kindle with OU Red cover and light

I ♥

doing Step Aerobics 

It's a love/hate thing.

I ♥

that this crazy, flipped out, cracked out whore is gone from my favorite show:

Bu-bye Michelle Money
How the H-E-L-L did she land a movie deal?

And... 

I ♥ my baby girl.  

She melts my heart and makes me laugh daily!

She may have to be included every week. It's my blog and I will if I want!

What's on your happy list this week?

Friday Confessional

I confess that I am SO EXCITED to drive to Dallas in May to meet some blogger friends IRL.  Assuming that JennyKate and I will be driving and not flying, I can promise you that there will plenty of seat dancin' and booty shakin goin' on because we're cool like dat, Yo. Maybe we'll even record a move or two just for your viewing pleasure. 
Could someone please tell Vivienne to play nice while we're there? She "owes me one" and I'm skeered. Kthanks.

I confess that I forgot to apply deodorant on Tuesday and I went to Step class at the gym.  I stunk up the entire room with my B.O.  People were making faces and everything. Whoopsie! (I could have had a flatulence problem instead so it could have been worse, right?)


I confess that I'm happy to have the next 2 weekends child-free.  This momma needs a break!  Emma has found her screaming voice and it's been in full effect all week.  


I confess that I've participated in two swaps (thank you Sami and Mamarazzi) and I'm ADDICTED to swapping! <---I'm talking about swap gifts, not husbands you sick people. I'm ready for the next one! 
**Mamarazzi has a poll up on her blog about what to swap and when.  GO VOTE!!


I confess that ever since Shawn "showed me" photo booth on my laptop I can't stop playing with it.  Seriously!  I.CAN.NOT.STOP! And I laugh at myself a lot. Even M got in on some of my fun!

What would you like to confess?  Make it juicy please.  Those are the best kind.  

Sex and Headaches

Ladies, 
This is a post for you!  It's a MUST READ!  Go over to the RHOK blog by clicking HERE and read about how these two things relate.


You will be so proud of my research. =)


Gentlemen, you can read too but you won't be happy about it.  Don't hate.

The Fire Drill That Exposed All

As a teacher, you have monthly fire drills.  They are a pain in a teacher's azz but they need to be done in the unfortunate event that we have a REAL FIRE.  In my particular district in Texas, there were specific rules:

1. No talking. Seriously?  They're 4th graders.  They're gonna talk but I tried to keep it at a minimum.
2. Walk to designated area in straight line.  Really? It's hard enough for adults to walk in a straight line but whatev. We did our best.

I won't bore you with the other rules because all you need to know are those two for this post.

So, in the middle of my math class, we have another dreaded fire drill.  I grabbed my clipboard (to account for all my brats precious students) and we were on our way. It was a talkative class, so having them following the rules was proving to be a challenge on this particular sunny day.  So in my best effort to keep them quiet and in line, I start walking backwards.  All teachers do this.  It's not a new skill or a new technique. It's just what we do...unless you're clumsy....like me.  

What I had forgotten about, while walking backwards and giving my meanest teacher stare to one of my talkers, was the curb.  So I don't need to tell you what happens next except for the fact that I decided to wear a skirt that day.  Not a long skirt but a "to the knees" number.  Not one of my brats angels reminded me about the curb.  They just watched me fall backwards.  My clipboard and papers go one way, my shoes go another and my legs go STRAIGHT UP IN THE AIR!  The next thing I heard (besides laughter from all 400 students out for the fire drill) is "Ewwww!  I saw Mrs. Impulsive's underwear!"

Did this just happen?    

I was mortified. I wanted to die a slow death by grabbing that dull pencil rolling around on the ground and stabbing myself in the jugular repeatedly until I passed out.  

I can honestly say it was just another one of my embarrassing teaching moments--one that I will surely never forget. I'm pretty sure lil childrens were traumatized for life that day too.

And yes, I drank heavily that night and called in sick the next day because that's the way I roll, people. 

MckLinky Monday

Mrs. Bundy over at the RHOK wants to know how we celebrate Valentine's Day.

I fell head over heals in LOVE with this man (and his baby blue eyes, perfect smile and sexy accent) 11 years ago next month:

Taken 5 minutes before he asked me to marry him on a cruise ship.

I knew he wasn't very good in the GIFTING department but he had a strong romantic side to him (bow-chicka-bow-wow) so I let him marry me because I knew we would have gorgeous blonde haired, blue-eyed babies. ;)  

I used to say "don't worry about a gift as long as you get me a card".  Gentlemen readers: NEVER FALL FOR THIS TRICK.  Get a gift. We want to be showered in gifts no matter what spews from our mouths.  We want you to dote on us and say all kinds of wonderful things that would make other people puke.  

M has to be reminded by my girlfriends to get me a gift for most occasions.  We all know my birthday last month was a fat flop, and thanks to facebook, so do all of our mutual friends.  *insert evil laugh* But he didn't let me down for Valentine's Day this year.

I woke up to a Happy Valentine's Day kiss (oh la la) and a big, pretty pink sack that included a super sweet card, some new workout clothes, a very generous gift card to my favorite spa, and this:

I have no idea how to use it but I'm very happy that I have one!  One of my "goals" this year is to run two 5K's so I'm super excited to use it.  Now I have an excuse to go buy new tennis shoes (because I'm a shoe whore like that).

As for a romantic dinner tonight, it's not happening. Our babysitter cancelled on us (for the third time in a row so she's fired). I'll be cooking us dinner and going to the gym tonight--the usual Monday night routine. Boo.  But we celebrated with Baby Emma last night at Patron's, my favorite local Mexican place, simply because of the name and their table-side guacamole.

And he got nothing from me except a sweet card.  I have my reasons, people.  DON'T YOU JUDGE ME.  

On a slightly different note, I tried to help my college BFF, Rhonda, with her baking skills during the OKLAHOMA BLIZZARD 2011, and this was her finished product:

Apparently, she still has a LOT to learn about baking.  Let's have a moment of silence for this mom of twin boys.

Happy PINKtastic Day To Me!

FINALLY...it has ARRIVED!  

{Due to weather related issues, my swap package was temporarily delayed. 

I hate your face, Mr. Blizzard}

I must have been a VERY good girl. (Did she not read my post from Wednesday? I wasn't a good teenager.) Mamarazzi went ABOVE and BEYOND what I did for her.  Apparently, she doesn't like to play by the rules either.  Hmmm....


Will you feast your eyes on this:
(click to enlarge-duh!)

Every.single.item was individually wrapped up oh so cute and I swear there were 50 things in that box!   I feel like a spoiled BRAT right now. I even took pictures of every item but when I started putting my post together, it would have taken you 15 minutes to scroll down through all those fab pics so I broke it down a little differently (because you know my rule, right?) 

Do you see that super sweet note that she wrote?  Do you see how my kitchen island is COVERED in PINKtastic goodness? Do you see all 50 of the little sweet valentine cards that were attached TO EACH GIFT letting me know who it was for and why?  The time that it took her to pull this off is just amazing.

Here is where I listed out EACH item for your viewing pleasure.  Emma has the left side and I have the right side. (click to enlarge)

How lucky are we?  M thought that maybe this could just be my Valentine's gift from him.  I told him HELLZ-to-the-NO.  Nice try. Better luck next time. Get to steppin'...to the STORE...for some DIAMONDS. End of story. I won.

And finally, I have to show you a few gifts being used:

Side note:  Lexi got a new squeeky toy from Mamarazzi (which can be seen in the group picture at top).  She is a happy girl too, but I found it rather difficult to get her picture while she was running through the house with it like a dog on crack.

This was my second bloggy swap, and I'm happy to say that this was yet another fantabulous experience. Both swap partners have become my BFF's (blogger friend forever) and texting/twitter/crackbook friends (jealous much?). I can't wait to meet them in person some day soon. 

To my dearest Mamarazzi:  YOU ROCK MY SOCKS OFF.  Thank you from the bottom of my heart. ♥

Friday Confessional

I confess that my Wednesday's post was super scandalous and apparently most people think I'm a big fat whore.  Click HERE to read my Five Truths and a Lie post and come back here for the answer (at the bottom).
I confess that since I've been trapped in my house due to blizzard-like conditions and snow drifts as big as my house, I had a GAIN this week on that bitch of a scale.  I hate her face.  I ate everything in sight more and worked out less.  Why can't I have a temporary eating disorder? 
I confess that I spent way too much money on a 20x24 wrapped canvas picture of my little family but I have the perfect place to put it and I don't have to buy a frame!  And I was probably mad that my birthday last month was a complete FAILURE so I sometimes spend M's money to get even make myself feel better.
I confess that I'm having way too much fun with my HeyTell app and using it in places that gets me looks that say "Why is this freak using her phone like a walkie-talkie?".  I love to confuse people.  It makes me happy in this HELL-HOLE of a town.
I confess that while watching the Bachelor, I loved seeing this picture of a leg (and not much else):

Wanna know why?  I could see some cellulite (ok..just barely) while she was sitting there in Brad's white collared shirt getting him all hot and bothered.  I love it when skinny girls have cellulite.  
NEWSFLASH: Michelle is a FREAK and needs to be gone. That's all.
And finally, the answer to Wednesday's post:
The lie was #1 PEOPLE!  I would never, ever have sex at Church Camp....but my friends did.  I wanted to go to HEAVEN.  I'm pretty sure they are all going to H-E-L-L. Shame on you for even doubting me and thanks for the few people that correctly guessed my lie!  I love you more than the other people that guessed wrong. So, do you have a confession this week?  Whisper it to me.  Your secret is safe with me. =)

Five Truths and a Lie

I'm having an off week. I'm struggling for posting ideas. My brain is dead. I think all the "record amounts of snow" that we're getting here in Oklahoma has me snow-depressed.  So, I came up with a simple, short post.  Five of these things are true and one is not.  Tell me your guess in the comments and I'll reveal the answer on Friday.  Wanna play?  Ok, great. Here ya go~ 

{Except you JennyKate and Jenn. You know me too well. And Mom, don't faint.}

1. I went to Falls Creek Church Camp when I was 14 and had sex with my boyfriend in the woods.
2. I stole condoms from the local Hellmart, not because I didn't have money, but because I was too embarrassed to buy them.
3. I was suspended from high school for fighting another girl during English class over her sister's ex-boyfriend.
4. I once read and then stole my cousins diary because she wrote about having sex with my boyfriend while I was still dating him.
5. I was once shoved into an open locker at school and also chased (via car) through my town at high rates of speed by a girl that was mad because I was dating her ex-boyfriend.
6. While spending the night with a friend, we would always go outside and smoke cigarettes and drink alcohol from her dads liquor cabinet and we never got caught.

Yes people, I was a mothers worst nightmare as a teenager. There are TONS more where this came from. But it could have been worse. I was never really into drugs and I never got arrested.  I got it all out of my system and now I'm a GOOD girl with GOOD morals who fears that her daughter will be just like her mother in 14 years. I have a feeling that I know lots of tricks of the trade and will do my very best to keep her innocent and boyfriend-free until age 20. 

Did I just lose some followers?

Ok...now tell me which one is the lie.  And don't you even think about judging me! Kthanks.


***AND THE ANSWER IS.......A! I did NOT have sex at church camp....but tons of my friends actually did. I wasn't ready to go to hell.

MckLinky Monday-Top 5 Pet Peeves!

What are your Top 5 Pet Peeves?  Come on...you know you have at least 5 you need to get off your chest, right?  It doesn't take long.  Just click on the MckLinky button down there (see it?) or click HERE and link up with me over on the RHOK blog.  You'll find my top five answers over there as well.  It's been a long week of being cooped up in the house (thank you Mr. Blizzard).  I need some entertainment and lovin'. (Is my guilt trip working yet?)