Where have I been?

I have had quite a busy week this week!  No, I haven't been seeing the Captain so you don't have to worry.  I'm happy to say that I've been sober ALL WEEK!  I'm sure going to AA has something to do with it.  


I KID I KID


I promise I'll be by to read your latest post asap. Don't break up with me--YET.


Okay, so I'm guest posting over on Miss Aly's blog today.  It's another blast from the past....LITERALLY.  Some of you have already read it but you should go over and check out my IRL {kinda} bloggy friend, Aly, for two reasons:


(1)  She's GORG!


(2)  She's SINGLE and lookin' to MINGLE so let's try to find her a bad boy, shall we?


And to Aly's loyal readers, thanks for stopping by and come back tomorrow for my Friday Confessional.  It's always a treat when you can read about someone else's life and feel so much better about yours, right?

HAPPY THURSDAY!

Meet Shawn and Her Broken Who-Ha

I l-o-v-e having a guest blogger share a post with my readers (especially when it's embarrassing)!  This is my blogging buddy, Shawn, from Seriously Shawn. She is a call 'em like you see 'em, no nonsense kind of girl and I love that about her.  I can't wait to meet her IRL in May.

When IA {that's ME!} asked me to do a guest post for her, I really thought I had nothing to share that would even come close to holding y'alls attention the way she can. {Isn't she so sweet?} I felt that I just wouldn't measure up to her readers expectations. {Oh now, of course you will!} I was also fearful I would not be able to keep it under 5 minutes or that I would brag about how wonderful my husband and children are. We all know how she loves those two things! {Um...yeah.  Let's not do that, m'kay?} It was only when she told me "Come on Shawn, grow a pair of girlballs and share an embarrassing story" that this memory surfaced. {I probably really did say that.}

After reliving this painful memory, I have come to embrace the humor that is attached to it. And since I no longer hold my crotch in pain when I tell it, I think I should be ok. 

Before I get started yes, I call "it" my Who-Ha. From time to time I may refer to it as my "Girly Bits" or my "Privates" and sometimes my "Va-Jay-Jay" but usually when I'm talking about the tender parts located between my upper thighs, I call it my Who-Ha.  

Here's my broken Who-Ha story...

It was a beautiful day and I was getting ready to head out for a bike ride. Now this wasn't just any bike ride; it was a workout. I had on workout shorts, a sports bra, and a hat. I meant business! I think it's important that I tell you I was in the process of getting my rock hard size four, ok whatever size 8, shit, I can't lie--size 10 body back for my upcoming anniversary vacation. 

As I was about to leave, Gator, my very driven, extremely well behaved German Shepherd, beat me to the door and gave me a face he knew I couldn't refuse. So like any good doggy Mama would, I leashed him up and took him along. My neighborhood has a 6 mile jogging/biking trail that winds through trees and around several lakes. It was a hot day so I planned on making one trip around, bringing Gator home, and heading out for a second trip. The best laid plans...

I was approaching the last 1/4 of the trail, the portion that can be seen from the road, so I put my game face on and pedaled like I wasn't about to die! Gator was at my side like always. He was an amazing jogging/biking partner {I miss him terribly}. He never pulled on the leash, never made me feel like a chump when I needed to slow down and he didn't care if I didn't keep up my end of the conversation. 

As I rounded the corner, coming out of the trees in full view of the cars, I saw a pile of tree moss. No big deal I thought. It's just tree moss. I'll pedal quickly over it. The only problem was this pile of tree moss was still attached to a very large branch that had recently fallen onto the trail.

As I attempted to ride over the moss, my tire hit the branch causing it to come to a screeching halt. Upon that sudden stop, my body lurched forward causing my Who-Ha to come to a screeching halt onto the bar of the bike. 

Why had I not bought the girls bike?  

That impact sent me flying off of the bike, my knees to the concrete, my hands off the trail and directly into the rest of the fallen tree branches, rocks and a less-than-happy-to-see-me fire ant hill. 

I was not breathing at this point. Only slight high pitched alien-like sounds were escaping my wide open mouth. This caused Gator to freak! His Mama was hurt so he began circling me barking which made me jump slowly get to my feet.  I couldn't have anyone see me from the road! It was then that I felt the ants biting me. I began flailing my arms and running my hands down my cheeks, chest and arms to get them off of me. They were also in my shoes. I kicked my shoes off, did my best to get them out of my socks and began to cry. This caused a beautiful survivor-like war paint to appear on my already red from exhaustion face. Streaks of dirt, tree debris, scratch marks and ant bites covered my upper body.

I was finally able to catch my breath. The car that honked as it drove by may or may not have helped. Thanks for the help, Asshat!

Once I was breathing somewhat normally, the pain from my crotch took over. I ran my hands between my legs, took a glance down and saw blood! 

I was still a good distance from the house where I had left people working on my kitchen. The thought of getting back on that bike made my tears of pain and embarrassment turn to tears of fear and anguish! There was no way my girl and her friend "Deloris" were going to be able to get back on that damned bike seat! 

Somehow I made the ride home only to be greeted by a more-than-concerned painter. When she asked what happened, all I could do was burst into tears and tell her "I fell off my bi-i-i-ike!". 

With my dirty face, scratches everywhere, and blood running down my legs, I'm sure that was a hard story to believe. It truly looked like I had been victimized by more than the center bar of my bike! 

After a few days of being sore and easing in and out of my chair, I felt my Who-Ha needed to be looked at by someone with more vaginal experience than my husband. 

After a long drive, an even longer wait in an uncomfortable waiting room chair, and a very painful pelvic exam, it was confirmed that I had suffered "extreme blunt trauma to the vaginal area". Gee, thanks! It didn't take freaking Einstein to see that! I was told I would be fine and that my Who-Ha, and her friend Deloris, just needed to rest. 

I've recovered from my accident and still love to ride my bike. I will admit though, I get shivers up my spine and my Va-Jay-Jay tightens up like a clam when someone trying to get its pearl when I come across a pile of moss!

BTW-Our anniversary trip was still wonderful! We just took the lovin' slow and easy...no complaints from me! 


Shawn, thank you for posting such an embarrassing story!  I was laughing WITH YOU!  Wait, you weren't ever laughing, were you? Well, I'm so glad your who-ha is in great working order again.


Go stop by Shawn's blog and say hi!  Tell her I sent ya too~

A Blast From the Past

I'm taking today off so I decided to dig in the ol' archives {sorry to my faithful readers that have read this one before}. Sit back and kick your feet up while sippin' on a beverage of your choice.  This one is a doozie.

What is that one thing in life that you hate doing?  Mine is grocery shopping...especially at Wal-Mart. I have a slight hatred towards this horrid place of madness. I prefer the more expensive, yet smaller version across town. Originally I wasn't going to Wal-Mart at all but I needed groceries for my dinner party AND I needed a punch bowl for a family member's baby shower. I was already on that side of town and I figured since it was 1:30 on a Thursday that I could get in and out quickly. 

WHAT THE H-E-DOUBLE HOCKEY STICKS WAS I 
THINKING?

The trip started out great! I found a somewhat close parking space next to a cart return (yay...no extra walkin' for me!). I'm thinking that this is a sign of great things to come. 

I was wrong. 


Oh so wrong.

I walked in to grab a cart. I thought I was going to fight Mrs. Old Lady with purple hair and bright red lipstick for trying to run me down with her cart. Apparently there was a sale back in the fabric department and I was in her way. 

Back off Old Lady. I got moves. 

Strike One.

Thanks to another great idea from my girl Jenny, I was looking for some rubber duckies to put in my blue punch for the baby shower that I was co-hosting. I arrived to the baby section and asked a nearby employee in my nicest fake voice if she knows where the ducks are. She tells me they "don't got none". I didn't believe her so I went and looked anyway. Guess what? They have TONS of little duckies in a variety of colors. I wanted to take my find and shove it up her lying azz. Did I mention I was P.M.S.ing? 

Strike Two.

As I'm making my way to find a punch bowl (the whole entire reason why I even WENT to freakin' Wal-Mart) I was spat at. Yes, you heard me correctly. A child was busy spitting at passerby's while his clueless Momma was talkin' on the phone, trying to decide what mirror she looked best in. My first instinct was to spit right back but I felt this would be immature and inappropriate (plus I thought they may be able to trace my DNA and come after me for something like "endangering a child via saliva"). I then felt compelled to yank his happy self out of that seat and spank his bum and then yell at his momma for not paying attention to her brat of a child but then I had a brief look at what her future held and I had a tad bit of sympathy for the poor girl. So I just stuck my tongue out at him and kept going. 

Guess what? Wal-Fart was out of punch bowls. SHUT THE FRONT DOOR!!!! 

Strike Three.

When I grocery shop, I always start at the back and work my way forward. Just as I approached aisle 55 (or whatever aisle is the furthest from the front) guess what? I had to use the bathroom. It was an emergency people! That bean burrito that I consumed very quickly just minutes before my arrival into Never Never Land was not settling very well in my tummy. This was very serious stuff ladies and gentlemen. Guess where the bathrooms are located? In the front.  Guess who was doing the poo run to the front of the store? *raising hand*

When I arrive in said bathroom full of disgust, the only stall open was the first one. Guess what? It didn't stay shut and had zero toilet paper which could have been a HUGE problem. I had to wait patiently (bum-clenched to be specific) and guess who came out of the stall first? Freakin' Mrs. Old Lady with purple hair and red lipstick! I almost shoved her into the wall as I passed by. 

Strike Four.

As I'm finishing up my grocery shopping, I came down an aisle with a mom and her 10 kids. This happens to me every flippin' time. At this point in my day, I had no energy left to battle with that hot mess of a family so I turn around and skip the aisle altogether. I go up the next aisle and just as I'm exiting, the family of 12 turns the corner and crashes into my basket. My eggs broke. Everywhere. Do I get an apology? No. Just a dirty look for being in her way. 

Strike Five.

I hate Wal-Mart. Wal-Mart can suck it. I'm done with it.

Friday Confessional

Let's do a little confessional, shall we?


I confess that this weekend was spent with M, The Captain, some cards and a few friends {after all the kids went to bed--duh}.

I confess that I did things that I'm not too proud of {and in all honesty that I do not remember doing}. The Captain isn't always good to me.

I confess that one of those things may have been going potty outside next to where M was going potty.  I'm hoping that if neighbors were outside to witness this craptastic event, they just thought that my shiny white and cratered azz was a full moon just sitting a little lower on the horizon. DON'T YOU JUDGE ME!

I confess that there are more confessions about my weekend that will not be posted on my blog for fear of losing followers.

I confess that my liver is taking a break from alcohol for a looooong time. I'm too old to act like I did in college.

I confess that I may be having a drink at GNO tonight.  But just one. Or two. I cave to peer pressure.  They don't call me Impulsive Addict for nothing.

I confess that after I cried talked to M about my lack of self control with food {mainly sweets}that I INHALED--in record time--a small bag of Chips Ahoy cookies that Molly, my swap partner, sent me this week.

So what is your juicy confession for the week?

 

Swaptastic Goodies Enclosed!

Lookie what I got in the mail yesterday!! It's another fabulous swap package!  Have I told you all that I'm a little bit addicted to swapping? Yes, I have many addictions.  I'm seeking help, ok?  BUT SWAPPING IS SO MUCH FUN!

Molly was my swap partner and co-host (along with my girl Aly) and I got a box full of goodies!  CHECK IT OUT:

Do you see that bag of Chips Ahoy cookies?  Yeah, they're all gone.  Not my proudest moment because I finished them off in record time.


Thank you Miss Molly (isn't that a song?) for such a thoughtful package!  I have enjoyed getting to know you and stalking your blog.  Don't expect me to stop anytime soon. =)

How many swaps have YOU participated in?  

Breaking the Ice

So, I'm linking up today {LATE OBVIOUSLY} with Jenn who is friends with my newest blog friend and current Mamarazzi swap partner, Janna and I like her a lot so I said I would link up to show some blog lovin'.  So here we go:


Q: What is your middle name?
Dawn, after my daddy. <--don't laugh.


Q: When you were a kid, what did you want to be when you grew up?
I thought about being a stripper until I realized that they didn't get summers off or paid vacations, so I settled on being a teacher instead.


Q: If you could have 3 wishes granted, what would they be?
1}  To have an infinite supply of cash to do with as I please.  (I could give to the poor, or to the church, or to St. Judes--my favorite charity, or to my purse to go shopping with, or to my friends that need it because I CAN be nice on occasion).
2}  For my life to continue to be blessed just the way it is with the exception of this extra fluffy soft stuff that is stored on my azz, thighs, and hips.  I want to be the girl that has to eat a cheeseburger to gain a couple of pounds.  Is that too much to ask?
3}  To live in a town other than this meth infested, swingers town that I currently reside in, that has a mall and a Taco Bueno.  Can we NOT get a Bueno in this horrid town?


Q: If your house was on fire and you could grab only 3 things before leaving, what would they be? 
Assuming that M made his way out of the house WITH Emma Kate, I'll say;
1} Lexi-because duh, M would forget her.
{2} My purse-because it would be a pain in my azz to have to replace my DL and credit cards
{3} My photo albums-because I worked REALLY hard on them and I NEED my memories.  


Q: You wouldn’t be caught dead, where?
At the Bunny Ranch outside of Las Vegas (because EWWW gross) or riding in a taxi while partying in Vegas.  Haven't you ever seen Taxi Cab Confessions?  


Q: If you could be any cartoon character, who would you be?
Betty Boop.  She was a hot mess and a little slutty-acting.


Q: Who was the last person you hugged?
My darling husband during our workout tonight.  I vow never to do that again.  He was soaking wet with sweat.  Ewww.


Q: What do you think of when you hear the word "yellow"?
I think of the sun which makes me think of summer which makes me think of the pool which makes me think of drinking cool, refreshing adult beverages to cool me off from the sun.


Go join in on the fun by clicking on Jenn's name at the top. Or, pick a question and answer in my comments.  I am a big believer in group participation, people!

My Poison

This is the story of my weekend people.....which means I know this to be TRUE.

Alcohol does not make you FAT....it makes you LEAN ..... against tables, chairs, floors, walls and ugly people.  So drink up people..unless you gave it up for Lent. Then you're stuck being alcohol free until after Easter.  Surely nobody did that, right?

I'm glad that I could pass along such valuable information to my fellow bloggers. 

You.are.welcome.

A Vlog debut

Happy Saint Patty's Day!!

Emma Kate is making her vlog debut IN GREEN because nobody will be pinching my baby today.

Enjoy some green beer tonight!

*CHEERS*

A Little Bit of Random

Ok folks, my week is going to be ca-ra-zy.......

but in a good way.  Our house will be filled with people coming and going this week and I couldn't be happier!  However, that leaves a small amount of time for blogging.  So, in an effort to keep good on my totally random personality, I decided to share some obnoxiously egotistical facts about me.  Are you excited?  I think you are. Humor me, ok?

• I don't like ice cream.  *Gasp*  I'll eat it but I'm not a huge fan.
• I recently stalked an old crush from junior high on Facebook. I was hoping he was bald and fat because he quit calling me but he was still pretty cute. DAMN HIM. Sheila, please send Rocky my best. ;)
• I am ambidextrous. I mainly use my right hand for writing. Most other things are done with my left hand.  I think this makes me highly intelligent, right? No need to get dirty with this info, Shawn.
• Which reminds me.....in 5th grade, I was tested and my parents were told that I had a high IQ.  I thank my bestie, Heather, for that (see previous post) but I want to know what happened between 5th grade and high school? Something went terribly wrong. It could have been the "bad kids" that I hung out with or the speed that I took daily to make my hair feel funny. DON'T ACT LIKE YOU DIDN'T TAKE MINI-THINS IN HIGH SCHOOL! JennyKate will tell you where you go for lying.  You go to Coweta. And that's a bad, bad place.
• I have two tattoos.  M has zero. He's a big titty baby.
• I used to bite my nails. Now I just bite the inside of my lip. Picture ground beef. That is what the inside of my lip looks like.  Does it hurt?  Yes. I don't know why I can't stop.  I think it has to do with my IQ dropping or my daddy beating the shiz out of me when I was 15.

It's your turn.  Tell me a random fact about you! HINT:  I like the juicy secrets! =)

The Story of Heather

Do you remember your very first best friend?

I do.  Her name was Heather.  Heather and I were 4 years old and we were inseparable. We played in my room for hours at a time.  We jumped on the trampoline together.  We watched cartoons together.  We played with my babies together. When my parents took me out to eat, Heather always tagged along.

But here's where the problems started--GOING OUT IN PUBLIC WITH MY BESTIE.

We would occasionally argue in public.  I would say things like"Heather, would you stop hitting me?" or "Heather, that's not a very nice thing to say." or "Mom, will you tell Heather to stop?".  

My parents were mortified!  They didn't know how to handle this situation.  You see, Heather was my imaginary friend.  

So, I'm sure you can imagine how GOING PUBLIC really embarrassed my parents.  It also bothered my grandmother...until she came up with a solution.  

She "made" Heather.

Heather was brought to life, thanks to Grandma Ella Mae.  She was taller than me. She was PERFECT.

I dressed her in my clothes.  

I brushed her yarn hair.

She wore my panties (she never had accidents either).

We were BFF's for years.  

Even as a teenager, I had convinced myself that my first child would be named Heather.  I guess I always knew that I'd have a girl first.

I still have Heather.  She represents a super sweet child memory for me.  I will someday share my friend Heather with Emma Kate.  I know she'll love her just as much as I do.

I did a "normal" non-sarcastic, non-alcoholic, non-judgmental post for once.  I promise it won't happen often.

What is one of your first childhood memories?