Words of Wisdom Wednesday

Grocery shopping is boring. I hate it. But next time I have to go, I'm thinking about bringing this list with me to keep me entertained.

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10 Ways To Have Fun While Grocery Shopping:

1. Stare intently at the door greeter and ask if you knew each other in a former life.
2. Ask the check out clerk if you can return any unused condoms after the weekend.
3. As you pass people in the aisles, look startled and run the other way.
4. Tell a manager about a clean up in the laxative aisle.
5. Scratch frantically while asking a clerk if they have anything for body lice.
6. Every time you turn a corner with your shopping cart, yell "Weeeeeeeee!".
7. See if you can walk around the store while balancing a tub of yogurt on your head.
8. Tell the people in the bakery that your buns are squishy.
9. Ask a random person if they will squeeze your melons.
10. While waiting in the looooong line to check out, juggle your lemons.

I could only do about 2 of these with a straight face so I would suck at this challenge.  

What would you like to add?

First House Guest

Thanks for the guest post by Jo Levy

I am having my first house guest this weekend. I am so excited! I just recently moved into my house and spent a lot of time decorating the guest room. I had this vision of people coming to my house and feeling like they were in a hotel or a fancy bed and breakfast. Nonetheless, my best friend from college is coming this weekend and I can’t wait. I made a little basket to put next to the bed. I filled it will little shampoos and soaps. I printed out the Directv channel guide and laid it next to the remote. I bought some little mints to put on the pillows. I know to a stranger reading this that it seems silly, but for some reason, it has always been a vision of mine. I always wanted people to want to come and stay at my house. I guess I just have a drive in me to entertain people and make them happy. I just hope this weekend goes wonderful and my friend feels cozy and relaxed.

TAlk To Us Tuesday #3

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We are back yet again for another edition of TTUT. This is week #3 and things are going so well!  My gorgeous co-host Seriously Shawn and I would LOVE for you to link up with us.  Got something on your mind?  Talk to us!
Here I go...

• I'm about to break up with Facebook. I'm not a girl that likes changes. It really messes with my OCD. Anyone else frustrated?

• See this picture?

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• Yep, this is what I will look like after 9:00am today.  I went in to an orthodontist to see about doing a small adjustment to a couple of teeth that were misbehaving and I was told that my teeth are fine but my jaw was a huge concern. Apparently, the reason for my headaches and TMJ are related to my jaw being out of whack. So now I get to wear these bad boys for 18 months.  HELLO? I'VE ALREADY DONE THE WHOLE BRACES THING LIKE 18 YEARS AGO. THIS ISN'T WHAT I SIGNED UP FOR!!!! So go ahead, let the jokes start. I can take it. But just so you know, I'll probably cry myself to sleep.

• Speaking of sleep, I haven't been getting any. M decided we needed a new mattress. We went to "look around" at the local craptastic furniture store and came home with a tempur-pedic gel foam something-something that is supposed to be the BEST with this new cooling technology blah blah blah shiz. Well guess what? It sucks worse than hairy balls and ladies, you know how much hairy balls suck, right? (Did I offend you?  Sorry.)  Anyway, we have 4 months to try it out. M is making me give it a chance. It feels like I'm sleeping on concrete. It's horrible. Of course he's as happy as I am when I'm eating slightly undercooked brownies so I think I'm screwed.  

• I will be at Shawn's house in 2 days!  Packing starts tomorrow!!! 

• Emma went potty in the "big girl potty" last Friday so now the real fun begins!  I hope she's easy.  This has the potential to lead to more drinking on my end and I'm not talkin' about water, people.  Don't you judge me.

What's on your mind today?  Talk to us and tell us allllll about it.  
xoxo,

Oprah, Penis Trick, Pimping and a Pedi

What a relaxing weekend I had! Great football, awesome beer, and family time makes me happy! I put together a random post for your Monday morning. I hope you enjoy it.

**Don't forget to link up your Tuesday post tomorrow for Talk To Us Tuesday. Any post can be linked up.  Just give us a small shout out or post our super cute button in your post. =)

I bet you di'unt know that I was on Oprah...in my school shirt....before she went off the air to start her own network. Oh yes I was and she was lovely. And skinny. I had LOTS to say. I was kind of a big deal and like famous for a while. (In my head.)

I totally fell for this trick once or twice. Okay..three times. But that's why I'm putting this warning out....because I care. You're welcome.

I think all of you MOMMY'S out there should totally pick this one up for your lil boy childrens. They need to be respected thugs, gangsta's and pimps and who else to teach such a lesson than the Berenstains? They are awesome!

And finally....

Do you think it's time for me to endulge in a pedi for myself? And maybe a good lotion? I just need a second opinion. I'll be leaving to see Shawn in 3 days. I don't want to embarrass myself.

Friday DayDreamin'

I'm linking up with my friend, Becca, for another installment of Friday DayDreamin'. 

This week, I'm remembering my vacation to Me-he-co that I took with my very pregnant BFF, Jenny, over our Fall Break in 07.  Every teacher needed a break that year.  It was either take a vacation or drink myself into a coma. It was a rough year. 

Mexico was cheap, I got to drink unlimited amounts of alcohol while she watched, we took a picture with a "burrow" named Pancho, and we lounged in the sun and sand for three entire days. 

Ok, not really.  I lied. We totally fried ourselves on day 1 so days 2 and 3 were spent playing games in the shade. I totally beat her bad at Yahtzee and Racko. (Ok, so we were lame. Whatev.)

 Jenny and I sat for hours sitting next to each other reading our books (in the shade) without saying a word to each other and it was blissful.  

It's a vacation that I will never forget.  And Baby Anna can say that she made her first Me-he-co appearance while in Jenny's womb.  =)

What are you dreaming of today?

Words of Wisdom Wednesday

Ladies, email this to your husband.  They need to be educated.  You are welcome.


Things you should NEVER say to your wife:

1. Babe, you're getting a little chunky. If you say this, be prepared to console her for hours after she kicks you in your stupid a** balls and don't even THINK about getting sex or seeing her nekkid for a long time, Douche bag.
2. Have you ever thought about cutting your hair like ________*insert wife's bff name here* Are you stupid?  All this does is make her think you are highly attracted to her bff and she will start to assume you want to have sex with said bff. Be prepared for more tears and more days whackin' your tally-whacker.
3. You are acting like your mother. You better hope that her mom isn't bitchy, psychotic, slightly demented, or in jail. Otherwise, you just messed up BIG TIME.
4. You have it so easy! You don't even work.  You just stay at home with the kids. If you have ever said this to your wife, I will personally hunt you down and smack you across the face with a dirty diaper. 
5. Should you really be eating that? Yes she should.  Today she was pooped on, puked on, spilled on, she cooked, she cleaned, she did your laundry, she payed the bills, and she went to the grocery store with screaming kids.  She can eat or drink whatever she wants today. Back off buddy.

Talk To Us Tuesday #2

<br /><center><a href="http://confessionsfromanimplusiveaddict.blogspot.com/"><img src="http://i855.photobucket.com/albums/ab115/Emmymom/HiRes.jpg" /></a></center><br />Hey friends!  We're back for week #2 of TTUT!  Did you say hi to my friend and wonderful co-host Shawn last week? If not, you should.  She is super fun.
***2 on Tuesday Post is directly under this post***
We had 28 link ups on our first week!  Woo Hoo!  I hope you decide to join us this week too.  Remember, this can be about ANYTHING and we have no rules.  We just want you to maybe mention us in your post and not link up a post that is another link party without mentioning us and our linky too. <--This happened last week and we had to delete them. =(
Ok, so with that being said, LET'S TALK!
Guess what?  It's official.  I'm flying to Florida see my co-host Shawn next week!  *insert a squeal here*  I am SO excited!  I'm sure we'll do a vlog or two and do a little drinking.  Anyone wanna Skype with us? How about some drexting? A group chat? No?  Ok....
We had another busy weekend and one of those days was filled with fun at the Tulsa Zoo and Emma hanging out with her best cousin, Brooklin.  Ok, it wasn't really "fun" since several animal exhibits were closed due to "remodeling" which I'm pretty sure translates to "keep moving....nothing to see here...the Polar Bears died this summer due to the extreme temperates....".  Isn't that sad? Anyway, they had a petting zoo for the kids. Here is Emma and Brooklin with the goats:

Now here is a picture of Brooklin's mommy and me (also best cousins) at a petting zoo in the 80's:

How cool is that? Good memories...

So, yesterday, I posted a very embarrassing story about myself and I didn't get very many comments. Maybe this is a sign that I shouldn't do this anymore. But I also didn't get to visit blogs so maybe I was being punished.  I understand. I get it. *weeping uncontrollably* <---I'm PMS'ing.  I can do this if I want.




Ok, now on to a more controversial subject.  I know I'll be hitting a nerve with someone when I post this but I'm feeling brave today.  This is an envelope that I received in the mail last week. It was very messy handwriting and no return address. It was just addressed to our last name. Not Mr. and Mrs. No first names. Just my last name with an "S" at the end.

Ok, so not a big deal. I opened it, curious as to what was inside. I was surprised to find a formal wedding invitation.  The invitation was a nice one (minus the cheesy picture of the bride and groom on the back). But what I didn't like was this:

So I need to RSVP via text message for a formal 6:00pm wedding? This was a first for me.  Maybe this is what we're going towards now but can I just say that I DON'T LIKE IT ONE BIT?  




There. 
I said it.
How much hate mail will I get for this? NONE PLEASE.
So, whats on YOUR mind?  Are you ready to link up?  I will love you more than a skinny girl loves her skinny jeans.You can link up any day this week, ok Lovies?
XOXO

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I'm also linking up with Andrea to tell you about two shows that I'm most looking forward to this fall.  I have lots of "older" favorites coming back but I'm listing two new shows:


1.  Ringer.  Did you watch this show last week? It's the one with Sarah Michelle Gellar. I forgot to record it but it came on again last night. It was so good and full of suspense.  Episode #2 is on TONIGHT. My DVR is ready.



2. Up All Night.  This is the one with Christina Applegate, Will Arnett, and Maya Rudolph. It was pretty good last week. I laughed a lot.  Hopefully the funny keeps going this week!


What are two of your favorite shows? Go link up with Andrea and join the linky parties going on today!!

Embracing the Embarrassment

All was quiet in my classroom.  My sweet little 4th graders were reading a chapter in their library books.  I was calling each student back to my desk to review a recent Math assessment.  While we reviewed answers together, I would stop and make eye contact and have them repeat things back to me to make sure they understood their mistake.  A few of the students had tried to tell me something by starting the sentence with "Mrs. Impulsive?" but I feared it was a story that would take several minutes so I refocused them on our topic at hand.


After all students had been called back to my desk, it was coming up on lunch time. I talked to them briefly about what was coming up later in the day, had them line up, and out the door we went to wash up.


While I waited on my precious babies to take care of bathroom business, I talked to a few teachers scurrying around the halls during their planning period.  I also spent several minutes talking to a parent who was there to eat lunch with her daughter.


After walking my lovies into the cafeteria, I went into the office and mentioned something to our Vice Principal.  He had a puzzled look on his face. I thought maybe he had some gas so I hurried out of his office so he could let one rip. <--That's what boys do, right?


I made some copies, talked to a few of the new teachers, popped my lunch into the microwave and went to take a much needed potty break.  As I'm washing my hands, I look up to check my make up and lipstick and do you know what I see?

THE BIGGEST UGLIEST GREENEST BOOGER YOU HAVE EVER SEEN HANGING OUT OF SOMEONES NOSE!

I was completely and utterly mortified!!  I started remembering how many people I had talked to, the confused looks on people's faces, and how my students were probably trying to tell me that I had a massive boog hanging out of my nose and I kept cutting them off!  *IDIOT*

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Which brings me to a question: Why is it so hard to tell someone (who is not a family member or bff) that they have a bat in the bat cave?


This is just another embarrassing moment in the life of IA. There are so many more stories where this came from. I just don't always like to relive them. But for you, my darling friends, I just might.  


You're welcome.


**Don't forget to link up for Talk To Us Tuesday tomorrow.  Anything goes!  Tell us about your day, your week, random tidbits, YOUR embarrassing story, your grocery store experience, what color you painted your fingernails etc. The possibilities are endless! Our one teeny tiny "suggestion" is that you link it back to us somehow. <--Not to be confused with a RULE. =)  


See you tomorrow~

Friday DayDreamin'

My friend Becca hosts this amazing link up party over at R We There Yet Mom called Friday DayDreamin'. I just love this idea so much because I get to go looking through my old pics of vacations. You know, those things we did before we were parents? We had 9 years of vacations before becoming parents.  God knew what he was doing.  He knows how much I love my toes in the sand and a drink in my hand.


So this week, I'm reliving our vacation to Jamaica. It started out rough. We made the mistake of staying in Ocho Rios instead of Montego Bay which is where the airport was. Their driving skills may have made me soil myself in the backseat while praying to God that we live to see our parents again.


Once we reached our resort, it was all good. We relaxed with Red Stripe beer and mixed drinks.  Our toes made it into the sand and all was right with the world....until we left the resort one night to try the local cuisine. We were offered drugs every 2 minutes and those dudes were some shady mofo's.

But my favorite memory from our trip to Jamaica was not the braids that all the Jamaican women kept wanting me to get put in my hair, or the whacked out police officers who were approaching women for sex, or the man walking around with only one shoe on looking for his beer. It my kiss from a dolphin named Roy.

Roy didn't look like a Roy to me but whatev. I love me some dolphins.   

I got to mark this one off of my bucket list before I even had a bucket list! ;)

What are you day dreaming about today?  Tell me!  Or better yet, hop on over and link up!  

Words of Wisdom Wednesday

As I said last week, I love Wordless Wednesday's but wordless I am not.  Therefore, I'm bringing you Words of Wisdom Wednesday for the 2nd week in a row.  *cue applause*

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What NOT to say if your wife tells you she's pregnant:

1. Are you sure?

2. Is it mine?

3. Maybe you've just gained weight.

4. Shit.

5. How did this happen?

6. I'm outta here...

7. Who's the sperm donor?

8. You can't pull the goalie without talking to your teammate! (Classic! Taken from a movie!)

9. How much weight are you planning on gaining this time?

10. *Nothing*


***No, I am not pregnant.  I wish. And if I was, my husband would jump for joy. I promise.***

Your turn to play!  What should be added to the list?

Talk To Us Tuesday

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Welcome to the very first edition of Talk To Us Tuesday hosted by the gorgeous Shawn and yours truly, where anything goes and no topic is off limits! Talk to us about anything from what you did this weekend, to what you're doing this week, a recipe that you made that was delish, a craft project that you're proud of, an embarrassing story or a deep dark secret that you are ready to reveal to the world!  The possibilities are endless!  And the best part: NO RULES!  It would be nice if you would use the adorable button Shawn made for us but it's not a requirement because we're laid back and easy.  <---That's what she said. 

FYI: My format will probably change every week because I get bored easily. This week it's a bit random.  But do you expect anything less from me? Didn't think so.
Let's begin, shall we?

• I have a lot to say about Bachelor Pad but some of you may not have watched it yet so I will save it for later.  I was happy and not happy and then I was happy again and then pissed off.  But I'm sad it's over and that there is only one more episode of Big Brother.  What do I have to look forward to now?
• I miss the days of pooping in private.
• Does anybody have Cinemax? Does anybody else call it skin-o-max and get embarrassed giggly when you accidentally flip it on to see a girl riding a guys stomach? If I want to watch p0rn, I'll pay for it. Thankyouverymuch.
• I may have drank a whole bottle of wine by myself on Saturday night.  We had company this weekend and we played Taboo.  Note to self:  Don't expect to win Taboo if you can't talk straight.
• Here is a pic of that bottle of wine. It's my new favorite called Rock My World. Yum!  I may have sent it out as a birthday gift to a friend.

• I had a small breakdown when M booked plane tickets for him and Emma Kate to fly to Michigan to see his family.  It was supposed to be for 8 days and it was supposed to give me a break from being Mommy 24 hours a day.  It was "accidentally" booked for 10 days. HOW WILL I SURVIVE? I was already struggling with 8 days!! My plan is to put on some big girl panties, fly to see my girl Shawn for a few days in fabulous Florida, and be happy for a break to chill with friends and family. Wish me luck. 
• Football season makes me happy! On Sunday Funday, I was drinking a cold beer and watching football with the family.  I contemplated sticking my hand down my pants to complete "the look" but I didn't. 

 My two favorite teams.  Let's show 'em how it's done, boys! *slaps boys on butts in my dreams*


Here's to talking to friends!  Please link up your post and visit a few links to leave some comment love!  This is a great way to see new blogs and expand your circle of friends.

2 on Tuesday

My friend Andrea over at My Chihuahua Bites has a new fun linky party that she does on Tuesday's (as do Shawn and I) so I know the pressure to have a linky party be successful! Plus, it helps that she is super duper sweet. =)
Miss Andrea wants to know:
If you were stranded on a deserted island, what two items would you wish to have with you? 
Well, I have decided that I would need to have:
(1) My iphone because when I tried to go 8 hours without it, I almost died.

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and 
(2) My family, the Captain and a toothbrush.  

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Ok, so I grouped 3 things into one but it's my blog and I make the rules.  (Plus Andrea told me I could!) I couldn't imagine leaving any of those things behind.

What two items would need to go with you? 

Scrub-a-dub-dub

Where my girls at?  I mean my nurses.  Is anybody out there a nurse?  How often do you buy yourself new cute little scrubs?  


Last year, M dressed up as a male nurse.  He'll tell you he was a doctor, but he was totally a nurse.  He forgot his stethoscope at the house before we took Emma trick-or-treating which made it even more noticeable.  Not that anything is wrong with a male nurse.  Most of them are hot!  


I found the cutest site for buying scrubs. Maybe you need them for your Halloween costume? They were well priced and adorable! Click on this link to check them out for yourself: http://www.blueskyscrubs.com/categories/Scrubs/Scrubs-for-Men/ 


They also had some pink scrubs that were completely adorable! I may be thinking of a career change from teacher to nurse. As a teacher, you have to dress up and wear cute uncomfortable skirts, dresses and shoes.  But as a nurse, you get paid more PLUS you get to wear cute comfy scrubs and some tennis shoes. Holy heaven! 


How cute is this scrub top?  This would blend in nicely into Emma Kate's room!

Credit

Friday DayDreamin'

I'm really loving this linky party that Becca does over on R We There Yet Mom.  It gives me an opportunity to go back in time and pull up HAPPY pics from previous vacations like this one to Greenbay:

Obviously, this was a long time ago (and yes I looked stoned) but in light of the game last night, I feel it's appropriate. WTH is up with my pink jacket and OU purse? And why couldn't I find a more recent pic of us at Lambeau Field? No comments on my cheesehead or dreads.  That was my favorite part. Ok...anyway....we're DREAMING about going back for a home game this year. 

We went to this game with the MIL and FIL.  Boxed seats, people.  The year before, we went with  the MIL and FIL and 2 of our friends from Texas.  WE FROZE OUR ASSETS OFF even though we were wearing 25 layers of clothes and hot packs in our shoes!  NO MO OUTDOOR TICKETS unless the game is in October.

EXTRAS:

This is how you will find M on game day.  In dreads. Or a cheesehead. And if they're on a winning streak, he won't shave.  Drives me crazy.

And because I married such a diehard Packer Fan, this is me on Halloween, 7 months pregnant, before heading to the "mandatory costume" party. Nobody makes maternity costumes so I made my own.  I SWEAR there is a round belly under that shirt but I guess I'm standing funny and you can't see it very well.

So there you have it, friends. This is what I'm dreaming of this week:  PACKER FOOTBALL! 

What are YOU dreaming about today?